Life As Of Now

I was super pissed yesterday at work. So my coworker worked the same shift as me but she apparently left me there alone while she only helps me give food to the customer. I had to take orders as well as serve the rice and soup and she only needs to give the dish to the customer. I had an earlier shift and was forced to extend my shift since her friend last minute bailed out for some reason. I only agreed as I pitied my boss for working so hard.

The whole day before I ended my shift, I was putting on a black face. She attempted to talk to me and assumed that I was upset because of the extended shift BUT NO, I was angry at her for not helping me. She could have taken the customers' orders as I had too many on my hands.

It sounds selfish but hey, I am just ranting out since working is hell.

I finally updated my Wattpad story - The Rose, after like around 4 months not touching it. I actually already drafted the chapter but thought that it was advancing too fast so the last two days, I changed the chapter. The story wasn't initially supposed to go that direction but I liked it better this way. 

I feel like I am making my character very bitchy and stuck up with her being self-centered and how she wants things to go her way. At times, I felt that she was pathetic for reacting certain way. It's weird since I was the one who created her but I sort of don't really fancy her. :\

I added a bit of myself into the character to make it more realistic. And then I realised, maybe she is me or am I turning into her? I don't really like her though but since she has my traits, do I hate myself? It feels creepy knowing someone is similar like you but you don't like that person. What is this feeling? I swear I'm turning into her ARGHHHHH

Well, let's forget about her for a while. So this week is already my third week in my last semester of school. Things aren't going so great. My project is still deep under the sea; it's not resurfacing. I'm screwed, I just knew it. SAYONARA graduation. BUT I WANNA GRADUATE ASAP! HELPPPPPPPP! TATSUKETEKUDASAI!!!! :(

Book Review 4 - The Market by J.M.Steele

∞The Market by J.M.Steele∞

❄After stumbling across the Millbank Social Stock Market (MSSM), Kate's horrified to discover that out of the 140 girls in her class, she's ranked a bleak 71. Sure, she's not drop-dead gorgeous, and her fashion choices leave a bit to be desired . . . but 71?! Determined not to accept her fate as a "junk bond," she and her best friends quickly set out to make her the fastest rising stock on the Market.

Armed with a sexy new haircut and killer wardrobe, Kate puts their plan into effect - and the analysts take note. In a matter of weeks, her stock value soars, and "Blue Chip" status is within reach. But what begins as a fun social experiment quickly turns into an obsession, one that threatens to ruin her reputation, friendships, and a chance at first love. Will Kate survive the highs and lows of the Market, or will her security crash and burn?❄

~I actually got this book at a book sale where they were selling books that were out of print and simply not well known to all. I decided to give this book a chance as I got this during the period when I was craze about coming of age movies. I wanted to get a book or two related to this genre. It is not really suitable for my age since I have obviously grown but it was worth reading it.

After reading the first few chapters and the synopsis, I thought this book was similar to "Mean Girls". Well, since a lot of teenage movies and books have cliche plots, I thought it would be the same until I got deeper into the book. I was intrigued by how the book combined both business and high school life together, and me being the business noob, I was a bit confused at certain parts of the story. This however did not deter in my reading and I definitely understand the concept thanks to the author describing it, as the main character is also a business noob like me.

As cliche as a high school story sounds, there is always something about the popular and how many people wants to fit in and not be an outcast. It is saddening to see what people can do just to get what they want. Overtime, not all will realise the sacrifices that were made. Kate does realised though that she had sacrificed her own friends to be with her fake friends. She went into the game too deep but luckily she pulls herself out of it early before going to the point of no return.

There is a moment where I too wanted to be popular but then I realised how tired it will be to give everyone the fake smiles and talk to them as if I cared enough to do so in the first place. I would be a living zombie if I were to go through that. I'm just glad I have true friends with me to go through with this harsh world.

                                                                                                                    ~29 October 2016

Book Review 3 - One by Sarah Crossan

∞One by Sarah Crossan∞

❄Grace and Tippi are twins - conjoined twins. And their lives are about to change. No longer able to be homeschooled, they must venture into the world - a world of stares, sneers and cruelty. Will they find more than that at school? Can they find real friends? And what about love? 

But what neither Grace or Tippi realises is that a heart-wrenching decision lies ahead. A decision that could tear them apart. One that will change their lives even more than they ever imagined.❄

~I was actually intrigued by the book cover when I first saw this book on the library shelf. I usually tend to read books with nice covers as I like pretty things. People always say to never judge a book with a cover but I'm glad this book attracted me for it had led me to other titles written by Sarah Crossan. I was actually going to read this book first but decided to read Sarah Crossan's books chronologically so that I could get used to the author's style.

This book, like "The Weight of Water" is written in poem style and it's written in first person perspective. It can never be better if it was written in third person perspective as the feelings felt would be different and it would come across as sympathy. 

Reading this makes you feel like a conjoined twin and it lets you open your eyes to the cold hard truth of reality where everyone gets judged on how they look. The author's note at the back of the story is actually quite saddening to read as the author did a lot of research just to get an idea on how to write the book. I actually cried reading the book especially the part with the plot twist. It was like a drama scene moment just that it is being depicted with words instead of acting.

Grace and Tippi actually taught me to live life bravely and do not care about the world as much. People tend to mind a lot what others say and change themselves to suit the world. We should be ourselves as we would only feel happier that way.

I actually wished the ending would be something different but with a different ending, One wouldn't be One. And although, this book is for growing up teenagers, I would still recommend anyone to read this. I would definitely spend my money on all Sarah Crossan's books and I would not regret it.

                                                                                                                   ~28 October 2016

Book Review 2 - Apple and Rain by Sarah Crossan

∞Apple And Rain by Sarah Crossan∞

❄When Apple's mother returns after eleven years away, Apple feels whole again. She will have an answer to her burning question - Why did you go? But just like the stormy Christmas Eve when she left, her mother's homecoming is bitter sweet. It's only when Apple meets someone more lost than she is, that she begins to see things as they really are. Apple discovers something which can help her to feel whole from the inside out, not just the outside in.❄

~A memory or just a made up subconscious mind? Apple wondered if it was real but deep in her heart, she knows the answer.

Throughout the story, Apple is forever pining for her mother, creating delusions at the same time. As a reader, I couldn't help but think that Apple is being foolish in believing that her mother would ever return. She is making false hope over something uncertain and I thought that she is wasting her life. But then again she is only a child who just wishes to be with her mother.

The story is full of many feelings - hopes, despair, disappointment, sadness and more. It is so amazing that it can bring readers to smile, cry and even be angry. In my entire life, this book was the second book that brought me to tears. I must have been so engrossed at the story that I could not stop reading and began thinking and feeling like Apple. I wonder if I was becoming like Apple or Apple was in me.

The story also taught one to not be scared to open up to others when you are in trouble or in need of help. I believed that courage is an important key but also the support of others is essential to boost your confidence. 

                                                                                                                       ~17 January 2016

Book Review 1 - The Weight of Water by Sarah Crossan

So to stick to my resolution of writing book reviews, I will include the ones I had written with a few more details. Also, I will add in the book synopsis that is written by the author at the top of my reviews.

∞The Weight of Water by Sarah Crossan∞

❄Armed with a suitcase and an old laundry bag, Kasienka and her mother head for England. Life is lonely for Kasienka. At home her mother's heart is breaking; at school friends are scarce. But when someone special swims into her life, Kasienka learns that there might be more than one way for her to stay afloat.❄

~The book started with the journey from Poland to England. It went on to how the main character adjusts and settles herself in the new environment. Upon reading, a question is sparked - Why are they going to England? Many would have thought that Kasienka (Cassie) is on a vacation but later on it was revealed to be something else.

As a foreigner, Cassie experiences strange things that are hard to explain, especially to a growing child. Children tend to be curious all the time and the moving is certainly not helping Cassie to get her answers. The way Cassie was describing everything that she experienced is written in simplicity which is showing her way of thinking. She has a simple mind and that brings about why there are so many questionable things.

The book tells the story in a very unique way. In addition, as compared to other books, the words are written in poem form and there is almost a chapter in every page. In a way, the words expresses the character's feelings at the moment and is able to grasp the reader's attention more easily.

The book teaches one, especially those who had bad experience(s), to look brighter and learn that there is always light amidst the dark. One has to be positive to be able to tackle a problem.

 This book is also nonetheless a good book and is recommended especially to those growing teenagers and those who loves reading.

                                                                                                                       ~13 January 2016

Resolution

I've read a few books but never actually did a proper book review. So, I've decided to do them from now onwards. I actually did it on my old wattpad account which includes drama/movie/show review. I had done 3 book reviews, a handwritten version. I will include them all in this blog with a few more details.

I am so gonna read more books in the near future. I am thinking to read those classics and learn a bit more on literature. Maybe, in the future I can take some courses to learn literature better since it seems fun.

The Long Awaited Update; Regrets

WOW, it's been like 2 months since I updated my blog !!! OMG, I need to up my game man. This blog thing is supposed to be like a substitute diary since I was lazy to write sometimes. The main reason was I didn't want people to invade my personal life. I mean diary is meant to be a secret i guess? Well, I sort of can't risk people looking through my stuff. Even if I create a made up language, I'm the type to put the legend in the diary itself. Dumb; i know. ._.

Well, I sort of did badly in my exams. I kind of expected it but was a bit shocked since I got mainly Cs and Ds. Sighhhhh. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED MAN?! The good thing is I do not need to remodule and can continue the last semester of my school life.

I actually had thoughts of changing course since year 1 but I did not want to create trouble for everyone. The first would be the admission procedures, such a burden. I also did not wish to abandon my cca which is Red Cross. I sort of found myself a place at school; I could not bear giving it up just like that. Class time was super boring since I didn't have best friends with me. I made new friends though but it seems we do not click. That is why I really loved going to my cca activities every time.

Year 1 was a breeze. Friends come and go. I got stuck with people I hate since year 1 as my classmate in year 2. Seriously though, I really wanted to quit my course but at this point, I was too late as I already indulged myself as one of the executive members in my cca. I know that I'm dumb for going a very long way in life but I still went on with it.

Around the end of year 2, we had to choose our group mates for the final year project. I was desperately looking for people who wouldn't mind me in the team as I was a very slow learner. People used to judge me a lot for being stupid at theory. I mean, I am super weak at physics and I can never understand this subject. I had to learn the hard way to accept science as it is and don't question it but at the end of the day, I learnt nothing and I seemed even more lost.

I knew I was too late at this point to even think of changing my course of life. So, I decided to go on with it and at least graduate with a diploma. I feel very bad for my final year project partner though cos I was the dumb one and I was always a burden. I cannot help in any way. I've been feeling that even our supervisor is speechless with me. He already hates me. I hate myself too. :\

Well, my goal for now is to graduate and at least get a passing grade for my final year project. I just hoped I wouldn't be so stupid as to follow the pressures set by my family situation and could not live my own life the way I want it.

I want to follow my dream. But dreams are expensive. Poor people can't afford it. Disappointment only comes its way.

So, I've been thinking; I should take a gap year around 2 to 4 years. I will save around $1000 per month and then take part time courses in food and beverage field, get a house, renovate the house and live a simple life. The road will be tough as I need to support around 3 more mouths. Seriously, my mother isn't helping since she has very high demands for my money when she herself isn't even helping me in any way. BITCH, she doesn't even know when I'm born or how old I am this year. What kind of mother is she?

I might be suffering from depression and anxiety since primary 6 though. The infamous bullying at age 12. I don't really remember what caused this but I was in shock. I realised now that my stress from that point of time caused me to eat a lot, LIKE REALLY A LOT. I would be stuffing myself with food almost every minute of the day. I didn't know what I was doing though. Maybe I thought by stuffing myself, I won't feel the pain. Well, at least I don't have scars to hide. It's a good thing I didn't resolve to cutting. I was very scared of pain, you see. So now, I have like 10kg of fat in me, it's still growing I think cos I'm getting stress everyday.

No one is helping me and no one can help me. Maybe this is why I always read or watch all those tragic stories so at least I won't feel alone. I have other (fictional) people to help me go through with it. I don't believe a counsellor can help me. I hated strangers the most. They scare me.

I think I've hidden up the real me pretty well. I've been showing people my fake side. Laughing all the time and then I feel all alone when I'm home. I have a very sad life, yeap i know. Life still goes on though. If you are stuck in your past, time won't wait for you. You will still grow; grow older everyday. You just have to go on with life no matter what. Life experiences made you realised the cold hard truth. It just sucks things have to be like this. Who ever said life was perfect?