Chicken // Present

I am a chicken. Let's face it; I don't have the balls to do it. I'm all talk but no action. :\ Maybe that is one of the reason this blog ever existed. I feel so pathetic now. ARGH

So it's already been 4 weeks since school reopened and I haven't been studying. Needless to say, my final year project is going down the drain. All my effort put in is not showing any results. If putting in effort means producing results, then I bet people like me have very less chances of surviving in this world. What ever happened to "the process is better than the results"? The world is so cruel and being 19, I definitely ain't ready for this shit.

Continuing to my preface, it is much easier to think and say about the things I wanted to do but it was very difficult to do it in reality. I am officially a disgrace to the society, the world and mostly, myself. I hate myself. I am weak, pathetic and definitely not worth anything. It is said that one should have self-confidence. I don't have any self-esteem to begin with so where the hell do I get this confidence? I am definitely screwing up my life all these years since I put on a weird facade; I have a lot to hide.

I still believe that dreams are for rich people that now I don't feel like chasing my dreams anymore. It feels like a burden. I only ever need the money to survive in this world. I keep telling myself I just need enough to feed around 3 to 6 mouths. I don't see why there is a need for me to get a diploma when I can just continue my part time job. I wanted to give up already but it was already the last semester, I guess I should stick around a while more.

Judging from my current pay of $8/h, I still need to work long hours to be able to set aside some money for my own splurging. I realised I have the habit of going shopping unknowingly spending hundreds of dollars in merely an hour. It just keeps me preoccupied since my brain is fully occupied with shit. My addiction before this was very bad considering I'm not ready to tell anyone about it. Only my family knows about it but it was embarrassing especially when they bring it up now and then.

I refused to go to the working life early as true hell will starts, Every debts will be on me; phone bills, utility bills, groceries spending. ARGH It puts me home every so often nowadays as I am on the verge of going crazy. As much as to say I am not being filial to think it this way, I find it "funny" as suddenly I was put on the job as head of the family as soon as I step into working life. I'm only the second child man.

I heard stories about everyone having a choice over everything and nothing can be blamed on others. Whereas, on the other hand, a few people are saying everything happens for a reason. So in the end, who's fault is it? Was it mine to ever be born? There are times I wonder is my purpose in life to provide for others and not live for myself? I'm sick and tired being constantly wrapped around a very small circle. I want to get out and create another circle. But, do I have the means to and what will happened if I chose my own path? Only time will tell...

The Real Me // Preface

I feel like a bitch. I take people for granted. I don't give people chances to get to know me better. At most, I told them the me that was potrayed ever since I'm in poly.

I want people to know the real me; the sad, emo girl deep inside but I couldn't do it. it was depressing as I'm constantly bottling myself up with these feelings that are dying to come out. I can't seem to trust anyone that much like I did the last time when I was 12.

I guess being betrayed when I was 12 made me close myself up for a while. I barely managed to do it again when I was 15 but then I realised i must have deluded myself to believe I trust people. What proved me wrong was that I found out what I told someone is being circulated among the others. It hurts to know that your secret can just be blurted out to others as if it was nothing.

Growing up, currently now 19, I felt even worse. Even though I had friends along the way, I still find myself hard to talk to others about what really happened to me in the past. No one ever knows the things that happened. I was always alone and dare not let it out.

I think I should do it especially since I am surrounded with friends I hang out with since I was 14. No more delusions;no more betrayals; no more doubts.

True Colours

Ever since secondary school I thought everyone has a real self that is hardly shown to the world. Some accidentally show it while others open themselves up with their closed ones.

These few days was tiring as hell. I did not do much actually but maybe because my cough was getting worse that I was feeling a lot more lethargic than usual. It is said that you will know who your true friends are when you are at a bottomless pit. If my sore throat is a bottomless pit that I had fall into, I can say these past few days had definitely shown me others' facade.

I was reminded of a book called "A Thousand Nights". A particular paragraph had implied that when one is quiet enough, one is able to hear the rumors and the current gossips of others. If this is put in another way, one is able to notice others more when one is in a quiet self. I find this true especially the times when I restrict myself to talk to contain my voice, scared it would worsen.

I saw others expressions but however what they said didn't complement with what they showed. I was able to see their true colours; I saw that they are angry, sad and many other emotions. They tried composing themselves and hide their emotions but I was able to see through it. Apparently the mask isn't thick enough.

It is not in my power to stop what they are feeling but I tried persuading them. It seems to ease them a little but now I felt even bad. It felt like I was the cause of this anger building up inside them. What is wrong with me? I should have been more tactful. Now, I'm being hit by karma as my throat still hurts a lot.

Life As Of Now

I was super pissed yesterday at work. So my coworker worked the same shift as me but she apparently left me there alone while she only helps me give food to the customer. I had to take orders as well as serve the rice and soup and she only needs to give the dish to the customer. I had an earlier shift and was forced to extend my shift since her friend last minute bailed out for some reason. I only agreed as I pitied my boss for working so hard.

The whole day before I ended my shift, I was putting on a black face. She attempted to talk to me and assumed that I was upset because of the extended shift BUT NO, I was angry at her for not helping me. She could have taken the customers' orders as I had too many on my hands.

It sounds selfish but hey, I am just ranting out since working is hell.

I finally updated my Wattpad story - The Rose, after like around 4 months not touching it. I actually already drafted the chapter but thought that it was advancing too fast so the last two days, I changed the chapter. The story wasn't initially supposed to go that direction but I liked it better this way. 

I feel like I am making my character very bitchy and stuck up with her being self-centered and how she wants things to go her way. At times, I felt that she was pathetic for reacting certain way. It's weird since I was the one who created her but I sort of don't really fancy her. :\

I added a bit of myself into the character to make it more realistic. And then I realised, maybe she is me or am I turning into her? I don't really like her though but since she has my traits, do I hate myself? It feels creepy knowing someone is similar like you but you don't like that person. What is this feeling? I swear I'm turning into her ARGHHHHH

Well, let's forget about her for a while. So this week is already my third week in my last semester of school. Things aren't going so great. My project is still deep under the sea; it's not resurfacing. I'm screwed, I just knew it. SAYONARA graduation. BUT I WANNA GRADUATE ASAP! HELPPPPPPPP! TATSUKETEKUDASAI!!!! :(

Book Review 4 - The Market by J.M.Steele

∞The Market by J.M.Steele∞

❄After stumbling across the Millbank Social Stock Market (MSSM), Kate's horrified to discover that out of the 140 girls in her class, she's ranked a bleak 71. Sure, she's not drop-dead gorgeous, and her fashion choices leave a bit to be desired . . . but 71?! Determined not to accept her fate as a "junk bond," she and her best friends quickly set out to make her the fastest rising stock on the Market.

Armed with a sexy new haircut and killer wardrobe, Kate puts their plan into effect - and the analysts take note. In a matter of weeks, her stock value soars, and "Blue Chip" status is within reach. But what begins as a fun social experiment quickly turns into an obsession, one that threatens to ruin her reputation, friendships, and a chance at first love. Will Kate survive the highs and lows of the Market, or will her security crash and burn?❄

~I actually got this book at a book sale where they were selling books that were out of print and simply not well known to all. I decided to give this book a chance as I got this during the period when I was craze about coming of age movies. I wanted to get a book or two related to this genre. It is not really suitable for my age since I have obviously grown but it was worth reading it.

After reading the first few chapters and the synopsis, I thought this book was similar to "Mean Girls". Well, since a lot of teenage movies and books have cliche plots, I thought it would be the same until I got deeper into the book. I was intrigued by how the book combined both business and high school life together, and me being the business noob, I was a bit confused at certain parts of the story. This however did not deter in my reading and I definitely understand the concept thanks to the author describing it, as the main character is also a business noob like me.

As cliche as a high school story sounds, there is always something about the popular and how many people wants to fit in and not be an outcast. It is saddening to see what people can do just to get what they want. Overtime, not all will realise the sacrifices that were made. Kate does realised though that she had sacrificed her own friends to be with her fake friends. She went into the game too deep but luckily she pulls herself out of it early before going to the point of no return.

There is a moment where I too wanted to be popular but then I realised how tired it will be to give everyone the fake smiles and talk to them as if I cared enough to do so in the first place. I would be a living zombie if I were to go through that. I'm just glad I have true friends with me to go through with this harsh world.

                                                                                                                    ~29 October 2016

Book Review 3 - One by Sarah Crossan

∞One by Sarah Crossan∞

❄Grace and Tippi are twins - conjoined twins. And their lives are about to change. No longer able to be homeschooled, they must venture into the world - a world of stares, sneers and cruelty. Will they find more than that at school? Can they find real friends? And what about love? 

But what neither Grace or Tippi realises is that a heart-wrenching decision lies ahead. A decision that could tear them apart. One that will change their lives even more than they ever imagined.❄

~I was actually intrigued by the book cover when I first saw this book on the library shelf. I usually tend to read books with nice covers as I like pretty things. People always say to never judge a book with a cover but I'm glad this book attracted me for it had led me to other titles written by Sarah Crossan. I was actually going to read this book first but decided to read Sarah Crossan's books chronologically so that I could get used to the author's style.

This book, like "The Weight of Water" is written in poem style and it's written in first person perspective. It can never be better if it was written in third person perspective as the feelings felt would be different and it would come across as sympathy. 

Reading this makes you feel like a conjoined twin and it lets you open your eyes to the cold hard truth of reality where everyone gets judged on how they look. The author's note at the back of the story is actually quite saddening to read as the author did a lot of research just to get an idea on how to write the book. I actually cried reading the book especially the part with the plot twist. It was like a drama scene moment just that it is being depicted with words instead of acting.

Grace and Tippi actually taught me to live life bravely and do not care about the world as much. People tend to mind a lot what others say and change themselves to suit the world. We should be ourselves as we would only feel happier that way.

I actually wished the ending would be something different but with a different ending, One wouldn't be One. And although, this book is for growing up teenagers, I would still recommend anyone to read this. I would definitely spend my money on all Sarah Crossan's books and I would not regret it.

                                                                                                                   ~28 October 2016

Book Review 2 - Apple and Rain by Sarah Crossan

∞Apple And Rain by Sarah Crossan∞

❄When Apple's mother returns after eleven years away, Apple feels whole again. She will have an answer to her burning question - Why did you go? But just like the stormy Christmas Eve when she left, her mother's homecoming is bitter sweet. It's only when Apple meets someone more lost than she is, that she begins to see things as they really are. Apple discovers something which can help her to feel whole from the inside out, not just the outside in.❄

~A memory or just a made up subconscious mind? Apple wondered if it was real but deep in her heart, she knows the answer.

Throughout the story, Apple is forever pining for her mother, creating delusions at the same time. As a reader, I couldn't help but think that Apple is being foolish in believing that her mother would ever return. She is making false hope over something uncertain and I thought that she is wasting her life. But then again she is only a child who just wishes to be with her mother.

The story is full of many feelings - hopes, despair, disappointment, sadness and more. It is so amazing that it can bring readers to smile, cry and even be angry. In my entire life, this book was the second book that brought me to tears. I must have been so engrossed at the story that I could not stop reading and began thinking and feeling like Apple. I wonder if I was becoming like Apple or Apple was in me.

The story also taught one to not be scared to open up to others when you are in trouble or in need of help. I believed that courage is an important key but also the support of others is essential to boost your confidence. 

                                                                                                                       ~17 January 2016