Chicken // Present

I am a chicken. Let's face it; I don't have the balls to do it. I'm all talk but no action. :\ Maybe that is one of the reason this blog ever existed. I feel so pathetic now. ARGH

So it's already been 4 weeks since school reopened and I haven't been studying. Needless to say, my final year project is going down the drain. All my effort put in is not showing any results. If putting in effort means producing results, then I bet people like me have very less chances of surviving in this world. What ever happened to "the process is better than the results"? The world is so cruel and being 19, I definitely ain't ready for this shit.

Continuing to my preface, it is much easier to think and say about the things I wanted to do but it was very difficult to do it in reality. I am officially a disgrace to the society, the world and mostly, myself. I hate myself. I am weak, pathetic and definitely not worth anything. It is said that one should have self-confidence. I don't have any self-esteem to begin with so where the hell do I get this confidence? I am definitely screwing up my life all these years since I put on a weird facade; I have a lot to hide.

I still believe that dreams are for rich people that now I don't feel like chasing my dreams anymore. It feels like a burden. I only ever need the money to survive in this world. I keep telling myself I just need enough to feed around 3 to 6 mouths. I don't see why there is a need for me to get a diploma when I can just continue my part time job. I wanted to give up already but it was already the last semester, I guess I should stick around a while more.

Judging from my current pay of $8/h, I still need to work long hours to be able to set aside some money for my own splurging. I realised I have the habit of going shopping unknowingly spending hundreds of dollars in merely an hour. It just keeps me preoccupied since my brain is fully occupied with shit. My addiction before this was very bad considering I'm not ready to tell anyone about it. Only my family knows about it but it was embarrassing especially when they bring it up now and then.

I refused to go to the working life early as true hell will starts, Every debts will be on me; phone bills, utility bills, groceries spending. ARGH It puts me home every so often nowadays as I am on the verge of going crazy. As much as to say I am not being filial to think it this way, I find it "funny" as suddenly I was put on the job as head of the family as soon as I step into working life. I'm only the second child man.

I heard stories about everyone having a choice over everything and nothing can be blamed on others. Whereas, on the other hand, a few people are saying everything happens for a reason. So in the end, who's fault is it? Was it mine to ever be born? There are times I wonder is my purpose in life to provide for others and not live for myself? I'm sick and tired being constantly wrapped around a very small circle. I want to get out and create another circle. But, do I have the means to and what will happened if I chose my own path? Only time will tell...