Embarking My Journey to Virtual World~

So, I was reading a book on Wattpad and suddenly thought to googled "pen pal". I clicked on the first link and immediately created an account to find a pen pal. I know, crazy right? I'm not usually this impulsive and rash but maybe this side of me has always been inside me. Now, I'm being weird. (I spelled werid twice before getting weird right like wut ==)

Anywho, two guys emailed me after seeing my profile. I would say I'm a little scared to embark on this journey but decided to give it a shot. After searching through like thousands of profiles, I made a girl friend, someone from United States. We only exchanged emails once. I found out she lives in Tennessee. It seems cool after she described what it's like. I only knew Hannah Montana was from Tennessee HAHA. My knowledge of the world is really that dense. OOPS

Well, I found out our time zone might be a bit hard to cope with. I think we would be miss each other's emails every now and then. I would reply her when she is asleep and I would receive hers when I'm asleep. It's kind of a bummer actually to wait for a reply. But hey, at least now I can look forward to the next day since I now have emails waiting for me to be read. I'm so excited! Never have I been excited to read emails since I always get spams TSK.

So, it is awkward emailing the two guys since they are older than me. I find myself a bit immature and find it a bit hard to catch up with them. So, I've been searching up on people the same age as me. I tried finding one from my own country but apparently not a lot of my age uses this thing. I think people think pen pal doesn't exist anymore. I would love to do snail mails; I think it's cute and romantic HAHA.

I sure hope this pen pal thing will last for a very long time. It definitely made me feel happy to know that somewhere out there, there is someone rooting for me and they do not need to know me physically. I don't think I will be able to survive well in real life. HAHA.

Nightmare Dressed Like A Daydream

I've been having nightmares these past few days. Woke up every single day feeling shitty; not like it's anything new but it's sort of disturbing.

If my life was a drama, I would have woken up screaming but sadly it isn't. I woke up feeling sad every day to the point that I don't feel like waking up. My subconscious is playing with me but it ain't funny. Maybe I've been too stressed lately hence, the nightmares.

I've been thinking a lot about my past; having friends who betrayed me for god knows why. I seemed to forever be the victim. It seems like a curse since everywhere I go, it will happen. I'm a walking disaster. I shouldn't have survived this far so I wouldn't feel this broken.

This broken feeling is messing with me, my body and my mind. I want this to stop but I have no control over it. It isn't up to me to have known these types of acquaintance. I guess it's fate and it is a learning experience for me to figure out who is real and who isn't.

It kind of sux though to be wary of others. I just want everyone to be friends. It's a simple wish but it is difficult to come true.

I feel guilty to even say that my longest friendship with anyone is around 5 years. I feel like a loser now. Almost everyone have friends they knew since childhood but I have none. It was my wish to have a childhood friend that I am still close with but sadly I don't. Life isn't a drama. :\

I spend most of my life watching and reading drama and wishing I was part of it. I want to be noticed in a good way, be popular and what not but as much as I want my life to be a drama, it's creepy.

I have daydreams about meeting my prince charming (way before I was obsessed with Shrek), but when I was confessed to, it turns out creepy af. I don't even know what to do. I never gave them a chance and reject them straight in the face (maybe indirectly). I feel like the bitch in all drama shows... 

Maybe cos of this, I'm bound to be single for life? YAY I definitely do not want to burden anyone with myself and my family situation. It would be embarrassing. I think God hates me if not I wouldn't be feeling like crap ever since I was conscious.

Hopefully after today I won't have much nightmares. I will never know for sure if it will ever end. :\ To more days experiencing nightmares dressed like a daydream. YAY ==

Chicken // Present

I am a chicken. Let's face it; I don't have the balls to do it. I'm all talk but no action. :\ Maybe that is one of the reason this blog ever existed. I feel so pathetic now. ARGH

So it's already been 4 weeks since school reopened and I haven't been studying. Needless to say, my final year project is going down the drain. All my effort put in is not showing any results. If putting in effort means producing results, then I bet people like me have very less chances of surviving in this world. What ever happened to "the process is better than the results"? The world is so cruel and being 19, I definitely ain't ready for this shit.

Continuing to my preface, it is much easier to think and say about the things I wanted to do but it was very difficult to do it in reality. I am officially a disgrace to the society, the world and mostly, myself. I hate myself. I am weak, pathetic and definitely not worth anything. It is said that one should have self-confidence. I don't have any self-esteem to begin with so where the hell do I get this confidence? I am definitely screwing up my life all these years since I put on a weird facade; I have a lot to hide.

I still believe that dreams are for rich people that now I don't feel like chasing my dreams anymore. It feels like a burden. I only ever need the money to survive in this world. I keep telling myself I just need enough to feed around 3 to 6 mouths. I don't see why there is a need for me to get a diploma when I can just continue my part time job. I wanted to give up already but it was already the last semester, I guess I should stick around a while more.

Judging from my current pay of $8/h, I still need to work long hours to be able to set aside some money for my own splurging. I realised I have the habit of going shopping unknowingly spending hundreds of dollars in merely an hour. It just keeps me preoccupied since my brain is fully occupied with shit. My addiction before this was very bad considering I'm not ready to tell anyone about it. Only my family knows about it but it was embarrassing especially when they bring it up now and then.

I refused to go to the working life early as true hell will starts, Every debts will be on me; phone bills, utility bills, groceries spending. ARGH It puts me home every so often nowadays as I am on the verge of going crazy. As much as to say I am not being filial to think it this way, I find it "funny" as suddenly I was put on the job as head of the family as soon as I step into working life. I'm only the second child man.

I heard stories about everyone having a choice over everything and nothing can be blamed on others. Whereas, on the other hand, a few people are saying everything happens for a reason. So in the end, who's fault is it? Was it mine to ever be born? There are times I wonder is my purpose in life to provide for others and not live for myself? I'm sick and tired being constantly wrapped around a very small circle. I want to get out and create another circle. But, do I have the means to and what will happened if I chose my own path? Only time will tell...

The Real Me // Preface

I feel like a bitch. I take people for granted. I don't give people chances to get to know me better. At most, I told them the me that was potrayed ever since I'm in poly.

I want people to know the real me; the sad, emo girl deep inside but I couldn't do it. it was depressing as I'm constantly bottling myself up with these feelings that are dying to come out. I can't seem to trust anyone that much like I did the last time when I was 12.

I guess being betrayed when I was 12 made me close myself up for a while. I barely managed to do it again when I was 15 but then I realised i must have deluded myself to believe I trust people. What proved me wrong was that I found out what I told someone is being circulated among the others. It hurts to know that your secret can just be blurted out to others as if it was nothing.

Growing up, currently now 19, I felt even worse. Even though I had friends along the way, I still find myself hard to talk to others about what really happened to me in the past. No one ever knows the things that happened. I was always alone and dare not let it out.

I think I should do it especially since I am surrounded with friends I hang out with since I was 14. No more delusions;no more betrayals; no more doubts.

True Colours

Ever since secondary school I thought everyone has a real self that is hardly shown to the world. Some accidentally show it while others open themselves up with their closed ones.

These few days was tiring as hell. I did not do much actually but maybe because my cough was getting worse that I was feeling a lot more lethargic than usual. It is said that you will know who your true friends are when you are at a bottomless pit. If my sore throat is a bottomless pit that I had fall into, I can say these past few days had definitely shown me others' facade.

I was reminded of a book called "A Thousand Nights". A particular paragraph had implied that when one is quiet enough, one is able to hear the rumors and the current gossips of others. If this is put in another way, one is able to notice others more when one is in a quiet self. I find this true especially the times when I restrict myself to talk to contain my voice, scared it would worsen.

I saw others expressions but however what they said didn't complement with what they showed. I was able to see their true colours; I saw that they are angry, sad and many other emotions. They tried composing themselves and hide their emotions but I was able to see through it. Apparently the mask isn't thick enough.

It is not in my power to stop what they are feeling but I tried persuading them. It seems to ease them a little but now I felt even bad. It felt like I was the cause of this anger building up inside them. What is wrong with me? I should have been more tactful. Now, I'm being hit by karma as my throat still hurts a lot.

Life As Of Now

I was super pissed yesterday at work. So my coworker worked the same shift as me but she apparently left me there alone while she only helps me give food to the customer. I had to take orders as well as serve the rice and soup and she only needs to give the dish to the customer. I had an earlier shift and was forced to extend my shift since her friend last minute bailed out for some reason. I only agreed as I pitied my boss for working so hard.

The whole day before I ended my shift, I was putting on a black face. She attempted to talk to me and assumed that I was upset because of the extended shift BUT NO, I was angry at her for not helping me. She could have taken the customers' orders as I had too many on my hands.

It sounds selfish but hey, I am just ranting out since working is hell.

I finally updated my Wattpad story - The Rose, after like around 4 months not touching it. I actually already drafted the chapter but thought that it was advancing too fast so the last two days, I changed the chapter. The story wasn't initially supposed to go that direction but I liked it better this way. 

I feel like I am making my character very bitchy and stuck up with her being self-centered and how she wants things to go her way. At times, I felt that she was pathetic for reacting certain way. It's weird since I was the one who created her but I sort of don't really fancy her. :\

I added a bit of myself into the character to make it more realistic. And then I realised, maybe she is me or am I turning into her? I don't really like her though but since she has my traits, do I hate myself? It feels creepy knowing someone is similar like you but you don't like that person. What is this feeling? I swear I'm turning into her ARGHHHHH

Well, let's forget about her for a while. So this week is already my third week in my last semester of school. Things aren't going so great. My project is still deep under the sea; it's not resurfacing. I'm screwed, I just knew it. SAYONARA graduation. BUT I WANNA GRADUATE ASAP! HELPPPPPPPP! TATSUKETEKUDASAI!!!! :(

Book Review 4 - The Market by J.M.Steele

∞The Market by J.M.Steele∞

❄After stumbling across the Millbank Social Stock Market (MSSM), Kate's horrified to discover that out of the 140 girls in her class, she's ranked a bleak 71. Sure, she's not drop-dead gorgeous, and her fashion choices leave a bit to be desired . . . but 71?! Determined not to accept her fate as a "junk bond," she and her best friends quickly set out to make her the fastest rising stock on the Market.

Armed with a sexy new haircut and killer wardrobe, Kate puts their plan into effect - and the analysts take note. In a matter of weeks, her stock value soars, and "Blue Chip" status is within reach. But what begins as a fun social experiment quickly turns into an obsession, one that threatens to ruin her reputation, friendships, and a chance at first love. Will Kate survive the highs and lows of the Market, or will her security crash and burn?❄

~I actually got this book at a book sale where they were selling books that were out of print and simply not well known to all. I decided to give this book a chance as I got this during the period when I was craze about coming of age movies. I wanted to get a book or two related to this genre. It is not really suitable for my age since I have obviously grown but it was worth reading it.

After reading the first few chapters and the synopsis, I thought this book was similar to "Mean Girls". Well, since a lot of teenage movies and books have cliche plots, I thought it would be the same until I got deeper into the book. I was intrigued by how the book combined both business and high school life together, and me being the business noob, I was a bit confused at certain parts of the story. This however did not deter in my reading and I definitely understand the concept thanks to the author describing it, as the main character is also a business noob like me.

As cliche as a high school story sounds, there is always something about the popular and how many people wants to fit in and not be an outcast. It is saddening to see what people can do just to get what they want. Overtime, not all will realise the sacrifices that were made. Kate does realised though that she had sacrificed her own friends to be with her fake friends. She went into the game too deep but luckily she pulls herself out of it early before going to the point of no return.

There is a moment where I too wanted to be popular but then I realised how tired it will be to give everyone the fake smiles and talk to them as if I cared enough to do so in the first place. I would be a living zombie if I were to go through that. I'm just glad I have true friends with me to go through with this harsh world.

                                                                                                                    ~29 October 2016