My Life At Wattpad // Short Update

Wattpad has many stories written by hobbyist. To be honest, most stories that I've read - the plot is there but my eyes hurt from too much grammatical errors. I MEAN SERIOUSLY PEOPLE, TAKE PRIDE IN YOUR WORK. I can forgive you for the grammar but at least fix the spellings. GOD, please spare me.

Well, anyways I wanted to try out writing fantasy like my friend suggested. She thinks I have a wild imagination LOL. So what better way to try this genre than do a fanfic? However, halfway writing out the different chapters, I got stuck. I don't know how to continue. So now I have 4 incomplete chapters. DAYUM

My main story at wattpad also have a pending half chapter that is waiting for me to continue it. I might be having writer's block? It's like I have the ideas flowing in me, but I don't know how to put it into words. And the ones I typed doesn't seem to impress me.

HELP ME!! TATSUKETEKUDASAI!! > <

Out Of Trend

So I found out about Midnight Red while I was listening to Taylor Swift songs that I liked. And then I found out that they disbanded??!! I mean what's with me and noticing people when they are not together anymore or when they disband a few years later?


First off, I noticed the Taiwanese band, Fahrenheit aka fei lun hai. 1-2 years later, I saw on the newspaper that they disbanded. I was like WHATT??!! Like finally I have some idol chasing to do and then I lost my job. PFFT, life sux.

And then I started liking a lot other singers and bands, let's just say it didn't end up well.So, I had a crush on KPOP idols in 2014 namely my beloved oppas - INFINITE!!!!! I wished I knew them 4 years ago when they debuted though. I feel so bad for catching up with them 4 years later. HAIZZZZZ. Now I'm feeling a bit on edge. I prayed hard I won't be a curse for them. My past experiences didn't end up well.

INFINITE has a sister group that I have been following since 3 of them did their solo debut. 3 of them and 5 others come together to form - Lovelyz. This group is underrated but I like their vocals very much especially Kei, Baby Soul and JIN. I feel sad for them though since they debuted with a common theme like other girl groups which is the school concept. Plus, they always have the cliche girly songs. But I swear they can achieve more with charismatic themes. Mijoo will totally rock the stage man since she is like Hoya's counterpart in Lovelyz. HAHA.

I come across BTS + GOT7's Mark and Lovelyz pairing. It was weird. I mean I thought Lovelyz was unnoticed. And to see these ships with the 2 rising groups, it was bizarre. LIKE WUT.

So the pairing goes like this:

Jungkook - Yein
Jin -JIN
V - Sujeong
Jimin - Kei
Suga - Jiae
J-hope - Jisoo
RapMon - Baby Soul
Mark - Mijoo

The pairing varies with the different Banglyz shippers but main thing is who cares HAHAHAHAH.

It's not like it's gonna be real also. They still have INFINITE oppas to go through first cos family first??? LOL I read too much fanfics that I think I'm going crazy. Too much werewolves stories can kill you in the brain HAHAHHAHAHAH ><

So as the title of this post suggest, I'm out of trend. I'm always doing things that people already done it or I did it before others. I'm not following the trend basically which is good in a way since I hate looking the same like others. So I unintentionally had green streaks of hair tsk. And then I realised a lot people around me have green hair. Well that just sucks, now I look like the rest. HAIZ.I might be still out of trend after today. :\

Embarking My Journey to Virtual World~

So, I was reading a book on Wattpad and suddenly thought to googled "pen pal". I clicked on the first link and immediately created an account to find a pen pal. I know, crazy right? I'm not usually this impulsive and rash but maybe this side of me has always been inside me. Now, I'm being weird. (I spelled werid twice before getting weird right like wut ==)

Anywho, two guys emailed me after seeing my profile. I would say I'm a little scared to embark on this journey but decided to give it a shot. After searching through like thousands of profiles, I made a girl friend, someone from United States. We only exchanged emails once. I found out she lives in Tennessee. It seems cool after she described what it's like. I only knew Hannah Montana was from Tennessee HAHA. My knowledge of the world is really that dense. OOPS

Well, I found out our time zone might be a bit hard to cope with. I think we would be miss each other's emails every now and then. I would reply her when she is asleep and I would receive hers when I'm asleep. It's kind of a bummer actually to wait for a reply. But hey, at least now I can look forward to the next day since I now have emails waiting for me to be read. I'm so excited! Never have I been excited to read emails since I always get spams TSK.

So, it is awkward emailing the two guys since they are older than me. I find myself a bit immature and find it a bit hard to catch up with them. So, I've been searching up on people the same age as me. I tried finding one from my own country but apparently not a lot of my age uses this thing. I think people think pen pal doesn't exist anymore. I would love to do snail mails; I think it's cute and romantic HAHA.

I sure hope this pen pal thing will last for a very long time. It definitely made me feel happy to know that somewhere out there, there is someone rooting for me and they do not need to know me physically. I don't think I will be able to survive well in real life. HAHA.

Nightmare Dressed Like A Daydream

I've been having nightmares these past few days. Woke up every single day feeling shitty; not like it's anything new but it's sort of disturbing.

If my life was a drama, I would have woken up screaming but sadly it isn't. I woke up feeling sad every day to the point that I don't feel like waking up. My subconscious is playing with me but it ain't funny. Maybe I've been too stressed lately hence, the nightmares.

I've been thinking a lot about my past; having friends who betrayed me for god knows why. I seemed to forever be the victim. It seems like a curse since everywhere I go, it will happen. I'm a walking disaster. I shouldn't have survived this far so I wouldn't feel this broken.

This broken feeling is messing with me, my body and my mind. I want this to stop but I have no control over it. It isn't up to me to have known these types of acquaintance. I guess it's fate and it is a learning experience for me to figure out who is real and who isn't.

It kind of sux though to be wary of others. I just want everyone to be friends. It's a simple wish but it is difficult to come true.

I feel guilty to even say that my longest friendship with anyone is around 5 years. I feel like a loser now. Almost everyone have friends they knew since childhood but I have none. It was my wish to have a childhood friend that I am still close with but sadly I don't. Life isn't a drama. :\

I spend most of my life watching and reading drama and wishing I was part of it. I want to be noticed in a good way, be popular and what not but as much as I want my life to be a drama, it's creepy.

I have daydreams about meeting my prince charming (way before I was obsessed with Shrek), but when I was confessed to, it turns out creepy af. I don't even know what to do. I never gave them a chance and reject them straight in the face (maybe indirectly). I feel like the bitch in all drama shows... 

Maybe cos of this, I'm bound to be single for life? YAY I definitely do not want to burden anyone with myself and my family situation. It would be embarrassing. I think God hates me if not I wouldn't be feeling like crap ever since I was conscious.

Hopefully after today I won't have much nightmares. I will never know for sure if it will ever end. :\ To more days experiencing nightmares dressed like a daydream. YAY ==

Chicken // Present

I am a chicken. Let's face it; I don't have the balls to do it. I'm all talk but no action. :\ Maybe that is one of the reason this blog ever existed. I feel so pathetic now. ARGH

So it's already been 4 weeks since school reopened and I haven't been studying. Needless to say, my final year project is going down the drain. All my effort put in is not showing any results. If putting in effort means producing results, then I bet people like me have very less chances of surviving in this world. What ever happened to "the process is better than the results"? The world is so cruel and being 19, I definitely ain't ready for this shit.

Continuing to my preface, it is much easier to think and say about the things I wanted to do but it was very difficult to do it in reality. I am officially a disgrace to the society, the world and mostly, myself. I hate myself. I am weak, pathetic and definitely not worth anything. It is said that one should have self-confidence. I don't have any self-esteem to begin with so where the hell do I get this confidence? I am definitely screwing up my life all these years since I put on a weird facade; I have a lot to hide.

I still believe that dreams are for rich people that now I don't feel like chasing my dreams anymore. It feels like a burden. I only ever need the money to survive in this world. I keep telling myself I just need enough to feed around 3 to 6 mouths. I don't see why there is a need for me to get a diploma when I can just continue my part time job. I wanted to give up already but it was already the last semester, I guess I should stick around a while more.

Judging from my current pay of $8/h, I still need to work long hours to be able to set aside some money for my own splurging. I realised I have the habit of going shopping unknowingly spending hundreds of dollars in merely an hour. It just keeps me preoccupied since my brain is fully occupied with shit. My addiction before this was very bad considering I'm not ready to tell anyone about it. Only my family knows about it but it was embarrassing especially when they bring it up now and then.

I refused to go to the working life early as true hell will starts, Every debts will be on me; phone bills, utility bills, groceries spending. ARGH It puts me home every so often nowadays as I am on the verge of going crazy. As much as to say I am not being filial to think it this way, I find it "funny" as suddenly I was put on the job as head of the family as soon as I step into working life. I'm only the second child man.

I heard stories about everyone having a choice over everything and nothing can be blamed on others. Whereas, on the other hand, a few people are saying everything happens for a reason. So in the end, who's fault is it? Was it mine to ever be born? There are times I wonder is my purpose in life to provide for others and not live for myself? I'm sick and tired being constantly wrapped around a very small circle. I want to get out and create another circle. But, do I have the means to and what will happened if I chose my own path? Only time will tell...

The Real Me // Preface

I feel like a bitch. I take people for granted. I don't give people chances to get to know me better. At most, I told them the me that was potrayed ever since I'm in poly.

I want people to know the real me; the sad, emo girl deep inside but I couldn't do it. it was depressing as I'm constantly bottling myself up with these feelings that are dying to come out. I can't seem to trust anyone that much like I did the last time when I was 12.

I guess being betrayed when I was 12 made me close myself up for a while. I barely managed to do it again when I was 15 but then I realised i must have deluded myself to believe I trust people. What proved me wrong was that I found out what I told someone is being circulated among the others. It hurts to know that your secret can just be blurted out to others as if it was nothing.

Growing up, currently now 19, I felt even worse. Even though I had friends along the way, I still find myself hard to talk to others about what really happened to me in the past. No one ever knows the things that happened. I was always alone and dare not let it out.

I think I should do it especially since I am surrounded with friends I hang out with since I was 14. No more delusions;no more betrayals; no more doubts.

True Colours

Ever since secondary school I thought everyone has a real self that is hardly shown to the world. Some accidentally show it while others open themselves up with their closed ones.

These few days was tiring as hell. I did not do much actually but maybe because my cough was getting worse that I was feeling a lot more lethargic than usual. It is said that you will know who your true friends are when you are at a bottomless pit. If my sore throat is a bottomless pit that I had fall into, I can say these past few days had definitely shown me others' facade.

I was reminded of a book called "A Thousand Nights". A particular paragraph had implied that when one is quiet enough, one is able to hear the rumors and the current gossips of others. If this is put in another way, one is able to notice others more when one is in a quiet self. I find this true especially the times when I restrict myself to talk to contain my voice, scared it would worsen.

I saw others expressions but however what they said didn't complement with what they showed. I was able to see their true colours; I saw that they are angry, sad and many other emotions. They tried composing themselves and hide their emotions but I was able to see through it. Apparently the mask isn't thick enough.

It is not in my power to stop what they are feeling but I tried persuading them. It seems to ease them a little but now I felt even bad. It felt like I was the cause of this anger building up inside them. What is wrong with me? I should have been more tactful. Now, I'm being hit by karma as my throat still hurts a lot.