19 Years of Life

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!! YAY, I'M FINALLY 19.

Birthdays used to be the thing I looked forward to each year (mostly cos no one celebrates it with me). Well, this year marks the 3rd time I actually celebrate the day of my birth. Mostly cos I usually forced people to celebrate it with me. IDK why I will feel very sad if nothing BIG happens on my birthday. It's just weird. Although I don't really like all the attention, I don't want to be alone on my special day. No matter how hard I tried to tell myself it's just another day, I can't help it. :\

I've been thinking a lot what I want to accomplish this year andddddd I honestly don't know. My bucket list has been the same since I was still in my early teens and I still haven't accomplish it since well, it's sort of a future thing that can't happen now. OOPS.

Few weeks ago, I wrote in my diary that I wished to find myself and want to have my talent. It's a childish thing tbh HAHHA but wateffs. I seriously don't know what I will wish for.

For starters, there are a few things I want to do someday in my life. The list can go on forever...

1. Bungee Jumping (I know this is cliche but oh well; I got fear of height actually but I love the thrill xp stress relief HAHAHA)
2. Get my first brand new guitar (1 is coming my way MUAHHAHAHAH)
3. Learn guitar from a pro (when i haz the moneh :o)
4. Be famous someday in wattpad (hey, it's not wrong to dream aite? LOL)
5. Learn english songs so can do cover wif ma guitar (well, maybe I will just use KPOP if im bored wif english)
6. Actually learn how to cook (the only perfect thing I legit know is instant noodles HAIZZZ)
7. Take baking classes (cos why not?)
8. Create my own recipe (i wan originality)
9. Open a family shop (income for the future babeh)
10. Have a BIG house (i love space)
11. Have a driving license (maybe motorcycle cos cars nt rly my thing, i get stuffy)
12. Fix my fear of height (I still cant cross a bridge without having the jitters :x)
13. Control my cravings for food (i feel like im pregnant)
14. Self DIY my clothes (i wanna be different)
15. Have things to do with clique other than movies all the time (i enjoy movies but nt with them since it's too often)
16. Have a cool waterproof camera (maybe i get instax or the photo printer as well?)
17. Own all monster high merchandise esp the NINTENDO 3DS GAMES (I'M SO GONNA GET THIS SOON)
18. Get loads of preetz stationeries so I can nvr be sick of it and run of it like EVER (+ i love stationeries)
19. Last but not least, wish for more happy days in my life

Wellllllll, that concludes my wish list for now which is super cliche BUT I love cliche. I also like childish things cos I am like that. Whoever not happy can get out of my life yeah. I'm not stopping you to be in my life :)

PS. There might be technical difficulties later today or tomorrow due to me uploading my daily moments of nonsense.

PPS. My daily nonsense is still bearable but today's nonsense exceed the maximum level of nonsense.

PPPS. I will never bring nonsense out of my life :D

Short Post to Update :)

I think something is wrong with me. Well, first thing would be I'm losing my appetite. I NEVER lost my appetite! I always have a HUGE appetite cos well, I love food. I can never separate myself from food like ever.

Enough about food, I am also feeling more lethargic with the life I'm living in now. It is very tiring and I am not enjoying it especially my school life, aside from the crazy antics when I'm with people I really like and are comfortable with. I feel like I am lying to myself a lot lately. I do not like the me now. I want a new me. A me that is braver to achieve her dream and not the cowardly me who is studying something to earn a stable income in the future.

I don't ever want to end my school life actually. I know I'm destined to take the burden of supporting the family once I started working. This actually meant that I cannot be who I want to be. I have to slog myself out to earn more money to be able to have some for myself at the end of the day.

Well that aside, I found my hidden talent. I can write poems. I mean everyone cans but words seemed to flow out the moment i write a line. It feels incredible. For once, I don't feel awkward doing something. The content for now is a bit cliche though. But I love cliche, it's like the best thing ever. However, I think I need to think broader? Look forward to see the new me at wattpad :D

Wow I never thought my country has so many beautiful places. I think I really should explore one day. Been living in a hole for 18 years+ (going 19 in 3 days). Damn. The funny thing was I only found out I lived in an unlucky level when I was 18. Unlucky 13 floor HAHAHAH. I don't necessarily feel unlucky though so I think it's still ok.

School has been shitty. I feel like quitting actually, ever since I was in year 1. I thought it wasn't meant for me. But quitting means, I have to abandon everything in that school, even my CCA mates. I don't want that to happen. I value relationships more than anything. I think I'm stupid for not being ambitious, I mean, I'm not even future-oriented for my life. I just want a simple life but the world is stopping me. Change is for the better but what if I don't want to change?

Another Boring Day + My Love Experience :\

So today I had appreciation dinner for volunteering my service. TBH, I think I don't really deserve it as I did not do much. I am actually only going cos my friend wanted to go. Well, mainly cos we signed up together so obviously we should go tgt also right?

So today I typed a chapter and a half of my story at wattpad - The Rose. Chapter 1 is crappy I think but hey, it is still introduction time yo. So I guess it will turn out okay? (I prayed hard it will) Actually, I didn't even know why I titled it The Rose. At first I thought maybe I should follow my account bio. But as I typed the story, I think the title doesn't really match. HAIZ Should I change the flow of my story for the title or continue the direction it is currently going now?

I was thinking maybe the lead character will fall in love and start a r/s but hey, I have no experience (only knowledge from drama). The lack of experience is sort of deterring me from writing the love part, maybe just unrequited love? I think I am very much experienced at this instead :\

Maybe, if I accepted others' confession, I would have experience. In primary school, I happened to find out that my mother tongue classmate had a crush on me. I didn't believe that of course. I mean, we are freaking 11 only. Who the hell has crush that early? Well, maybe crushes happens to boys earlier. As I was saying, his friends was spreading around words that he liked me. I didn't know how to react man. He asked his friend to give me a letter in assembly period. I asked my friend what to do and they helped me settle with the letter. So, I didn't even read it. I guess I was such a bitch back then uh. Maybe now is my karma since I was always a bitch with boys.

I met him again in a tuition center. SUPER SHOCKING! I thought he wouldn't recognise me seeing how I became so tan in secondary school. OOPS. He actually knew who I was but hey, I found out he was attached that's why we didn't like "catch up" and stuff. I think the catching up will be weird though. The funny thing that I found out was, he was actually younger than me by 1 day. LOL Well, so far I know my auntie and SHINEE's Taemin is born on the 18th, I'm 19 and he's 20. Coincident much?

Well, all this crush thing actually got a bit out of hand in secondary school. I didn't trust my friends since they practically told everyone who I was crushing on. I think even the teachers find out cos my class made me sit with my crush OMG. It was good and all but it was SUPER AWKWARD. But, the good thing was my crush is always asleep in class (gamer boy) so, I did not have to care about him being near me. One funny thing I remembered was I poured slime on his palm and he instantly throw it on the floor. IT WAS SUPER EPIC!!! I was crazy in secondary school with all my nonsense. (I seriously think my nonsense is still alive.)

My 3 years unrequited love end tragically with me studying engineering and him studying god knows what in another country. I was tired of always being the first one to contact him instead of him finding me first. I actually found out he felt the same way as me but he made a joke out of it. I knew he was not going to take the first step so I texted him "I see you as more of a friend" (something like that) and stupidly, I forgot he might be with his so called friends. He actually showed them my message OMG. It was super embarrassing. I happened to find out as one of the boys in his clique is actually in my clique. He just wanted to have some guy time. Well, thanks to his guy time, I was embarrassed. I actually didn't really like him for being in my clique. He was very clingy and always like to know my secrets. BITCH. SECRETS ARE CALLED SECRETS BECAUSE WE WANT TO KEEP IT HIDDEN. He even blurted out my confession gone wrong in my face. OMG. I wished I had died there and then. My confession didn't get the reply. He just said he knew how I felt. AND THAT'S IT. NOTHING HAPPENED. I even stupidly suggested if he wanted to go to the same poly -which is NYP. It was my dream school actually. BUT MY WHOLE LIFE PRACTICALLY CRASHED.

I moved on. I don't want to be that desperate little girl who clings on to guys. I don't want to waste my youth on stupid things. Things was going fine in my first year at a new school. I hated this guy, still hating him. To think I'm going to be stuck with him for 3 whole years. OMG I should totally stick to my first choice man. Man, why did I change it? Now I need to learn stupid stuff with stupid people in my class. I only feel like myself with my CCA peeps. IDKY but my class really sux.

What I Did During My 3 Weeks Vacation

Vacation's almost over and I haven't done my assignment yet PFFT. I bet no one in my group has done anything too. I just hope I won't be tanking it all alone cos tat would be sad :(

SO basically, my 3 weeks of holidays so far is spent with movies, dramas and camp. I did not really do anything extraordinary.

Hmm, let's see I finished 2 dramas, "My Amazing Boyfriend" and "Someone Like You", the sitcom, "ICarly", and a few old movies. Today I watched Zootopia. Life seems great but it gets tiring.

I went to camp a few days ago as a first aider. The camp was a disaster tbh not as successful like the PWB peep says. -rolls eyes-

First of all, top 4 shouldn't be GLs. Instead, GLs should be department heads. The prez is saying that everyone should mingle around and bond with campers to look out for potential subcomms. BITCH PLS, this wouldn't be the case if you hadn't wanted to be a GL in the first place. Adding on, you do too many redundant things like for example, stealing other people's job scope. I mean if you are doing their job, what are they going to do?

Secondly, why the camp failed is cos there are too many meetings and redundant dry runs. (Not mentioning 3 of them involving the first aider - I mean for what?) First of all, they told me to go to their meeting to provide feedbacks. Then, I was told to go to the pre-camp training to learn the cheers and games. Also, I had to go to a full dry run before the camp itself. I mean what does this concerns me? Even worse, I had to pay for suckish food. And to think that they keep saying there is no budget when each and everyone has to pay a freaking $18. DAMN.

Speaking of food, actually the 2 food ICs had already planned out a moderate meal plan for the whole 3 days. But because of this "no budget", the PWB gang revamped the food plans with suckish food, 2 ananas lunches, outdoor cooking for 1 dinner(instant noodles and canned food) and suckish KG food. The assistant camp chief ordered the KG catering and he didn't even check what is mapo tofu. How dumb can he get man? Apparently, mapo tofu is spicy and the ACC didn't even consider the food requirements. What is the purpose of asking the campers and organising committee about their diet then?

Adding on, there are too many sudden changes. Like, they didn't even plan for wet weather properly and there is WAY TOO MANY WALKING. PWB is too much in control.

Well, on the bright side, I did managed to spend time with nice people and bitching about PWB throughout the 3 days. LOL

I just created an Instagram account @amishinx where I will most likely be posting everyday, be it unglams or fandom related hehe. My insta account is currently blocked from following people haiz. Guess I have to wait till tomorrow so I can start following accounts again.

I've been doing some serious thinking. Maybe I will learn some cooking or proceed to being a nurse. Who knows what I'm capable of doing. I might even surprise everyone. xp Well, good luck to my future.

Still the old me trying to be a new me

Everything is a lie. I thought I somewhat have friends in my school. But turns out, they turned their backs on me. WE were supposed to go to the event together but they decided to ditch me. OMG. I don't know what is real or fake now.

School just started 2 weeks ago. It's only the third week and my homework is piling up. The lecturers isn't going to cut some slack. I have tons of questions on my head on how to solve the maths problems. I HATE MATHS! I can never get why the hell we need to learn Maths. Haizzzz.

Anyways, I think I should stop going to my part time job and to my extra curricular activities. I have no time as a senior. I need to pull up my grades to be able to graduate like my classmates. I don't want to be left alone on the shelf. (Not about r/s though) ARGGHHH but I need money :(

My fake friends in school that I hang out with everyday don't even care about one another like real friends should do. We just sort of help one another for school work. That's all. I bet we wouldn't even meet in the future for a cup of tea. :\ I miss my old friends. If only I had went to the same school and took the same major. Perhaps, I would have enjoyed more than I do now.

Speaking of old friends, I have one very desperate friend who keeps on wanting to meet me and my other friend on a regular basis. He's my friend all right but believe me, it can't work well if I took time off to always meet up. I need space to juggle between my school work and friends. Apparently friends is like about 10% of my time now. Maybe this is why I don't really have friends at school now?

I wished I was popular so I can like stand out and wouldn't be judged (in a bad way) for my brightly coloured outfit. I mean, people don't really appreciate me wearing bright colours or even those "pajamas-looking" pants that I used to wear when I was still a freshman. I actually kind of miss those pants. I feel really connected to it but people thinks that I looked funny and that I have no fashion sense. Haizz.

I totally abandoned those pants when I was in sophomore year. I wore alot of tshirts with jeans and couldn't be bothered to put on makeup. My senior year was kind of the same. I didn't have time in the holidays to get a fashion change and plus, I had the same classmates and couldn't bear to face their judgement eyes if I were to change my image. Heh.

I need a fashion change :( but I think I should lose weight first to be able to save on the money not buying a lot of clothes and can't fit in it anymore. I was thinking to go to some gym session or maybe go to a martial arts class. Hmmmm.... I'm new to this. It's been ages since I actually will sweat a lot since I always went swimming to exercise. Maybe I will take some dance lessons? Who knows...

GRRRR

Senior. 2 years has passed since entering a new stage of my life. I am now going through the final year in my school life and I still cannot believe it. It feels so fast! Maybe it's because I am usually preoccupied with my CCA and stuff most of the time. Hmmm...

I'm still thinking if I should go to university. I mean, everyone has been thinking of it since first year but I am still unsure of what I should do in the future. Should I be an engineer? Hell no if you ask me cos my maths ain't that good :/ Engineering kills me everyday ARGHHHH If only my O Levels grades were better PFFT

Anyways, my GPA isn't going so well and I doubt I can find a 'shortcut' to change my field of study. I need a miracle, BADLY!! (The only miracle I need is maybe for me to study hard.)

I think I'm crazy - I joined a new CCA. :O Man, people are rushing their GPA, but I am still idling my way through school. What is wrong with me? OMG I think I need a psychiatrist LOL. Nah,
I hate talking to strangers about my private life HAHAHA.

I have no friends in school. Friends, in my dictionary means, people who you can get chummy and crazy with no matter what. School sux and to add to it, I have classmates that either linger their way to get As or back stab other classmates. :\ I hate my class. I don't enjoy going to school. There is no hype in preparing to go to school everyday. I think this results in me skipping classes all day. OOPS.

I think maybe as life goes on and everyone gets older, the world becomes harsher. The cold hard truth about reality gets smacked into your face without warning. Haizzz, I don't want to grow up. :( No matter how I resist, I cannot deny the fact that the world is indeed going into full speed and I really need to catch up and get used to it. All the best to me and to the new world! :) CHEERS!