The Wrong Path

I've decided to end my virtual world and then I receive an email from a virtual friend. WOW.

Things just aren't going my way.

I have my mid terms next week. I'm so not ready. Well at least there is no paper on Wednesday.

The only problem is I still can't find my calculator. I swear it's like my 10th calculator already! ARGH! I must have left it in the library the other day coz I can't find it anywhere!!

Sooo, I decided not to get a new one since it's my last semester. I juz hope my sister's calculator won't bail on me. And I need to get it approved. Such a bummer!

I've been thinking, maybe I'm on the wrong track. I should have ended this 2 years ago. Now I've wasted 2 years + studying something I hate and end up not getting anywhere. I should have went to study F&B Business like I wanted to. I was delusional to think that he would go there with me too.

I feel so ashamed now to be so delusional and desperate over some teenage crush. PFFT, I'm so stupid.

I feel more stupid now, realising two days ago, I tried stalking his social media. Well, obviously he didn't update so I just wasted my effort. ARGH!!

OMG I should stop thinking about him. DAMN, to think I wasted 3 whole years liking him?! What's with me and wasting 3 years LOL. I wasted 3 years before and I'm wasting 3 years again. My fate with life sux.

My playlist seems boring now, so here I am listening to the radio and Bruno Mars - It Will Rain is playing. I feel more depressed now. :\

I've been dying to do a health check. And then, my sort of smart ass friend decided to say just take a freaking blood test coz I'm wasting my money on nonsense ECG. Well, it's my money and my wish. God, just let me do it! I've got a very bad feeling about my heart so I need to get it check out. -shrugs-

Well, I might die sometime and with my failing memory, I'm trying to record my life everyday in case I forgot certain memories. OH WELL I failed my life.

Subconscious and Conscious Mind

I've been having weird dreams lately. On the plus side, at least I'm not so sleep-deprived, I guess. And also, I might be able to control my insomnia the healthy way. So I know I cannot sleep early, so I made use of the time to do my project. Hell, all my teachers decided to bomb us projects when exams are round the corner. Powerpoints, reports and whatnot all due when school reopen. Save Me!!!

I've decided not to work for now until after I graduated. I need a break from all the nonsense. I need more me time so work has to be sacrificed. Money is sacrificed too, oh well.

So this morning, around midnight, my friend texted me about this "DBS paylah" promo (whilst stock last). I earned a good SGD5.00 but then I got greedy. I wanted more but no one is willing to help me. DAMN, they all scared and whatnot. I needed the moneh bitches.

If any of you readers decides to help me, download the DBS paylah app and sign up. Remember to key in my referral code "AMEHZU710" and you can get SGD5.00 too. Hurry coz only first 30k transaction.

Well, enough about money talk, now Kdrama is getting boring. The nice ones are not in seasonal so I watched english sitcoms when I'm bored and decided to turn on the tv. My father installed this thingy called "MBOX" and there is this app called Megabox. It's super good coz all new movies are there (but I don't watch them) and english tv shows are even included. I managed to watch the whole "ICarly" series. I used to watch them but not in order as I didn't have the tv cable last time. Now, I wished I had so I can watch all the Disney Channel sitcoms like The Suite Life series. DAMN, my childhood is being missed.

I feel bad nowadays, cos everyone is chasing after their K namjas. I lost hope in voting for MAMA 2016. Let's face it, INFINITE lost their glory days since Last Romeo and when they embarrassed themselves EPIC!! Dongwoo was super hilarious like always.

It's saddening coz no matter how good they are, they are not winning MAMA anymore. IT'S UNFAIR. Even now, BTOB has a nice comeback song again "I'll Be Your Man" but they are being under-appreciated. KPOP is becoming weird.

I saw an article about the 3 rookie girl groups from SM, YG and JYP. The top 3 entertainment agency. Well, I seriously hoped BLACKPINK rises among the other two - Red Velvet and Twice coz they are better and I don't really like RV and T. (Hate me all you want but I'm still not gonna like them; maybe at most I only like Jeongyeon)

OKAY, back to my subconscious mind, I think I have a wild imagination deep inside my head that only comes out in my dreams. I should take note of them and maybe make use of it when I'm in the mood for some story writing HAHA.

Time to continue my report writing; SAYOUNARA MINNA-SAN!!!

A Not So Good Night

Well, I sort of forced myself to go to sleep yesterday, which totally didn't work out.

I slept at 2am. YAY at least I improved from 4am and barely managed to wake up for school today. THANK GOD my class starts at 10am today.

So I was abruptly woken up from my sleep by my alarm and ALSO this very weird dream.

I vaguely remember the whole details but the main thing is the characters and what I did in the dream.

Disclaimer: The following paragraphs may or may not offend some people BUT HEY, it's juz a dream~

So if I remember correctly, I was sort "mates" with 2 guys namely GOT7 BamBam and Mark. (weird right, I know) First of all, no offence and all, I rather dream about my INFINITE oppas especially Dongwoo but NO, my brain decided to make me dream about GOT7.

Anywho, back to the dream, I was at first destined to be mates with BamBam. And to sort of "seal the deal" (basically, agreeing to be mates) with this mate thing, I had to bite of my mate's ear and sort of suck the blood out. (I mean, eww?! I hate the taste of blood the most) Well anyways, in my dream, my mate's blood is supposed to be sweet. So yeah, his blood is sweet.

And then, a sudden change in scenes, I was sort of given another mate. GOD knows why but I'm into polygamy?! Well, Mark was to be my second mate and I was to mark him the same way. But, something forbids it and ta-dah, we cannot process the marking. So, I had to taste bitter blood like EWW. I can already imagine the taste.

So I woke up after feeling disgusted. I told my friend this morning and she suggested me googling what my dream was about. I was sure nothing would come out coz I always have weird dreams. Maybe the too much werewolves and vampires stories on wattpad made me go crazy. Like seriously?!

Well, I went to google it, and it's the closest I could get since who on earth would post a dream like mine?!

• Luck if collecting or drinking blood - When you dream that you collect or even drink the blood, this announces you will have good prospects and good hopes
• Biting someone so as to make him bleed -  You love him but will harm him
• The dreamer biting someone out of love - Will love him more

GREAT. I think I'm lost now. OHWELLS T^T

Karma Strikes Me

So insomnia is not only a curse but also a misfortune.

I got grouped by two unknown people in my class. Seriously who are they? I don't think I ever heard their names before. ARGH I can see my project failing. DAYUM

My future is bleak; I can't see my future. My so called "clique" decided to leave me alone with 2 jokers. IDW do this project alone!!!!!!!!!

Karma is such a bitch...

INSOMNIA + MISSING CLASSES

It sucks wanting to have an early night but after 2 hours on the bed, I'm still awake. :[

So because of that, I didn't manage to wake up on time for school and I'm missing all my classes. I'm screwed, this can't be happening. My attendance is running low. ARGHHHHHHH I HATE INSOMNIA!!!

The stupid thing is I'm waking up at the time when my classes are over; let's face it, I won't make it to school on time for my classes. So practically, every week, I'm only going to school like 2-3 days :\

To make it worse, I don't know how to face my FYP group mate. He is doing everything to salvage our project and I'm not helping. I'm like a lost sheep now.

I should at least do the report since that is my niche. ARGH project piling up, exams are nearing and my project due date is creeping me. I feel like I'm buried under all these stress.

I'm desperate. TATSUKETEKUDASAI!!

Happy Dongwoo Day

As the name suggests, today is Happy Dongwoo Day. It's my bias oppa birthday!! YAY!! ＼(^o^)／

So I've spammed both my insta account to upload my oppa's photos (it will never be enough). I tried to control my main account but on my other account, I was determined to follow my insta theme.

I've decided few days ago to start doing this insta theme. I know it's already out of trend but I like doing things that's out of trend idky.

So basically, I'm going to follow the colours of the rainbow then to monochrome. Each colour will consist of 9 pictures mainly consisting of that particular colours. And then when I'm bored I will continue to the pastel colours?

The main thing is I want to feel involve in my life :\ I always wonder why I'm alive. It feels weird though to have a soul and feeling things. I'm always thinking whether I'm really alive or maybe I'm a boring character from somewhere.

On the bright side, today is a happy day. I just realised my bias share his birthday with a lot of other famous people like silverlight Eunkwang and some dude from MonstaX. It feels weird though to share a birthday but it's cool at the same time.

I used to go crazy and wanting to know people born on the exact same day and year with me. Well, now i know two of them and let's just say we are not what I imagined us. I always thought my birthday twinnie will be my long lost twin LOL. Much imagination I know.

I still believed I'm age-ing backwards. It's like I'm trying so hard to relive my childhood as I was sort of childhood deprived. I don't have many good memories. I always wanted to have a birthday party but never actually had it. I really really wanted my own cake but it was always shared with my two other sisters. To make it worse, I had to wait for my cake 2-3 months later. I was always sad on my birthday itself cos no one ever celebrates it with me. I hardly get wishes even. Heck, I don't even think my parents know my birthdate anymore.

I think that's how I ended up getting angry at my best friend for not getting me a gift. I was angry cos I prepared things for them that year and I wanted someone to remember my birth so much I gone bonkers.

I never really apologise though or explain why I reacted so big but no matter how tough I looked, I don't have the guts. I was always strong on the outside and weak on the inside, maybe that's why some people stepped on me.

I tried letting it go and make myself believe my birthday is just another day but trust me, it didn't work. I was forced to put on a happy facade when I'm actually not. I'm birthday deprived and I don't think it will disappear.

Well for now, think happy thoughts and let's have a moment to see how cool my oppa is. He is after all my 야생눈매 천사 오빠~~~ <3 (≧3≦)

My Life At Wattpad // Short Update

Wattpad has many stories written by hobbyist. To be honest, most stories that I've read - the plot is there but my eyes hurt from too much grammatical errors. I MEAN SERIOUSLY PEOPLE, TAKE PRIDE IN YOUR WORK. I can forgive you for the grammar but at least fix the spellings. GOD, please spare me.

Well, anyways I wanted to try out writing fantasy like my friend suggested. She thinks I have a wild imagination LOL. So what better way to try this genre than do a fanfic? However, halfway writing out the different chapters, I got stuck. I don't know how to continue. So now I have 4 incomplete chapters. DAYUM

My main story at wattpad also have a pending half chapter that is waiting for me to continue it. I might be having writer's block? It's like I have the ideas flowing in me, but I don't know how to put it into words. And the ones I typed doesn't seem to impress me.

HELP ME!! TATSUKETEKUDASAI!! > <

Out Of Trend

So I found out about Midnight Red while I was listening to Taylor Swift songs that I liked. And then I found out that they disbanded??!! I mean what's with me and noticing people when they are not together anymore or when they disband a few years later?


First off, I noticed the Taiwanese band, Fahrenheit aka fei lun hai. 1-2 years later, I saw on the newspaper that they disbanded. I was like WHATT??!! Like finally I have some idol chasing to do and then I lost my job. PFFT, life sux.

And then I started liking a lot other singers and bands, let's just say it didn't end up well.So, I had a crush on KPOP idols in 2014 namely my beloved oppas - INFINITE!!!!! I wished I knew them 4 years ago when they debuted though. I feel so bad for catching up with them 4 years later. HAIZZZZZ. Now I'm feeling a bit on edge. I prayed hard I won't be a curse for them. My past experiences didn't end up well.

INFINITE has a sister group that I have been following since 3 of them did their solo debut. 3 of them and 5 others come together to form - Lovelyz. This group is underrated but I like their vocals very much especially Kei, Baby Soul and JIN. I feel sad for them though since they debuted with a common theme like other girl groups which is the school concept. Plus, they always have the cliche girly songs. But I swear they can achieve more with charismatic themes. Mijoo will totally rock the stage man since she is like Hoya's counterpart in Lovelyz. HAHA.

I come across BTS + GOT7's Mark and Lovelyz pairing. It was weird. I mean I thought Lovelyz was unnoticed. And to see these ships with the 2 rising groups, it was bizarre. LIKE WUT.

So the pairing goes like this:

Jungkook - Yein
Jin -JIN
V - Sujeong
Jimin - Kei
Suga - Jiae
J-hope - Jisoo
RapMon - Baby Soul
Mark - Mijoo

The pairing varies with the different Banglyz shippers but main thing is who cares HAHAHAHAH.

It's not like it's gonna be real also. They still have INFINITE oppas to go through first cos family first??? LOL I read too much fanfics that I think I'm going crazy. Too much werewolves stories can kill you in the brain HAHAHHAHAHAH ><

So as the title of this post suggest, I'm out of trend. I'm always doing things that people already done it or I did it before others. I'm not following the trend basically which is good in a way since I hate looking the same like others. So I unintentionally had green streaks of hair tsk. And then I realised a lot people around me have green hair. Well that just sucks, now I look like the rest. HAIZ.I might be still out of trend after today. :\

Embarking My Journey to Virtual World~

So, I was reading a book on Wattpad and suddenly thought to googled "pen pal". I clicked on the first link and immediately created an account to find a pen pal. I know, crazy right? I'm not usually this impulsive and rash but maybe this side of me has always been inside me. Now, I'm being weird. (I spelled werid twice before getting weird right like wut ==)

Anywho, two guys emailed me after seeing my profile. I would say I'm a little scared to embark on this journey but decided to give it a shot. After searching through like thousands of profiles, I made a girl friend, someone from United States. We only exchanged emails once. I found out she lives in Tennessee. It seems cool after she described what it's like. I only knew Hannah Montana was from Tennessee HAHA. My knowledge of the world is really that dense. OOPS

Well, I found out our time zone might be a bit hard to cope with. I think we would be miss each other's emails every now and then. I would reply her when she is asleep and I would receive hers when I'm asleep. It's kind of a bummer actually to wait for a reply. But hey, at least now I can look forward to the next day since I now have emails waiting for me to be read. I'm so excited! Never have I been excited to read emails since I always get spams TSK.

So, it is awkward emailing the two guys since they are older than me. I find myself a bit immature and find it a bit hard to catch up with them. So, I've been searching up on people the same age as me. I tried finding one from my own country but apparently not a lot of my age uses this thing. I think people think pen pal doesn't exist anymore. I would love to do snail mails; I think it's cute and romantic HAHA.

I sure hope this pen pal thing will last for a very long time. It definitely made me feel happy to know that somewhere out there, there is someone rooting for me and they do not need to know me physically. I don't think I will be able to survive well in real life. HAHA.

Nightmare Dressed Like A Daydream

I've been having nightmares these past few days. Woke up every single day feeling shitty; not like it's anything new but it's sort of disturbing.

If my life was a drama, I would have woken up screaming but sadly it isn't. I woke up feeling sad every day to the point that I don't feel like waking up. My subconscious is playing with me but it ain't funny. Maybe I've been too stressed lately hence, the nightmares.

I've been thinking a lot about my past; having friends who betrayed me for god knows why. I seemed to forever be the victim. It seems like a curse since everywhere I go, it will happen. I'm a walking disaster. I shouldn't have survived this far so I wouldn't feel this broken.

This broken feeling is messing with me, my body and my mind. I want this to stop but I have no control over it. It isn't up to me to have known these types of acquaintance. I guess it's fate and it is a learning experience for me to figure out who is real and who isn't.

It kind of sux though to be wary of others. I just want everyone to be friends. It's a simple wish but it is difficult to come true.

I feel guilty to even say that my longest friendship with anyone is around 5 years. I feel like a loser now. Almost everyone have friends they knew since childhood but I have none. It was my wish to have a childhood friend that I am still close with but sadly I don't. Life isn't a drama. :\

I spend most of my life watching and reading drama and wishing I was part of it. I want to be noticed in a good way, be popular and what not but as much as I want my life to be a drama, it's creepy.

I have daydreams about meeting my prince charming (way before I was obsessed with Shrek), but when I was confessed to, it turns out creepy af. I don't even know what to do. I never gave them a chance and reject them straight in the face (maybe indirectly). I feel like the bitch in all drama shows... 

Maybe cos of this, I'm bound to be single for life? YAY I definitely do not want to burden anyone with myself and my family situation. It would be embarrassing. I think God hates me if not I wouldn't be feeling like crap ever since I was conscious.

Hopefully after today I won't have much nightmares. I will never know for sure if it will ever end. :\ To more days experiencing nightmares dressed like a daydream. YAY ==

Chicken // Present

I am a chicken. Let's face it; I don't have the balls to do it. I'm all talk but no action. :\ Maybe that is one of the reason this blog ever existed. I feel so pathetic now. ARGH

So it's already been 4 weeks since school reopened and I haven't been studying. Needless to say, my final year project is going down the drain. All my effort put in is not showing any results. If putting in effort means producing results, then I bet people like me have very less chances of surviving in this world. What ever happened to "the process is better than the results"? The world is so cruel and being 19, I definitely ain't ready for this shit.

Continuing to my preface, it is much easier to think and say about the things I wanted to do but it was very difficult to do it in reality. I am officially a disgrace to the society, the world and mostly, myself. I hate myself. I am weak, pathetic and definitely not worth anything. It is said that one should have self-confidence. I don't have any self-esteem to begin with so where the hell do I get this confidence? I am definitely screwing up my life all these years since I put on a weird facade; I have a lot to hide.

I still believe that dreams are for rich people that now I don't feel like chasing my dreams anymore. It feels like a burden. I only ever need the money to survive in this world. I keep telling myself I just need enough to feed around 3 to 6 mouths. I don't see why there is a need for me to get a diploma when I can just continue my part time job. I wanted to give up already but it was already the last semester, I guess I should stick around a while more.

Judging from my current pay of $8/h, I still need to work long hours to be able to set aside some money for my own splurging. I realised I have the habit of going shopping unknowingly spending hundreds of dollars in merely an hour. It just keeps me preoccupied since my brain is fully occupied with shit. My addiction before this was very bad considering I'm not ready to tell anyone about it. Only my family knows about it but it was embarrassing especially when they bring it up now and then.

I refused to go to the working life early as true hell will starts, Every debts will be on me; phone bills, utility bills, groceries spending. ARGH It puts me home every so often nowadays as I am on the verge of going crazy. As much as to say I am not being filial to think it this way, I find it "funny" as suddenly I was put on the job as head of the family as soon as I step into working life. I'm only the second child man.

I heard stories about everyone having a choice over everything and nothing can be blamed on others. Whereas, on the other hand, a few people are saying everything happens for a reason. So in the end, who's fault is it? Was it mine to ever be born? There are times I wonder is my purpose in life to provide for others and not live for myself? I'm sick and tired being constantly wrapped around a very small circle. I want to get out and create another circle. But, do I have the means to and what will happened if I chose my own path? Only time will tell...

The Real Me // Preface

I feel like a bitch. I take people for granted. I don't give people chances to get to know me better. At most, I told them the me that was potrayed ever since I'm in poly.

I want people to know the real me; the sad, emo girl deep inside but I couldn't do it. it was depressing as I'm constantly bottling myself up with these feelings that are dying to come out. I can't seem to trust anyone that much like I did the last time when I was 12.

I guess being betrayed when I was 12 made me close myself up for a while. I barely managed to do it again when I was 15 but then I realised i must have deluded myself to believe I trust people. What proved me wrong was that I found out what I told someone is being circulated among the others. It hurts to know that your secret can just be blurted out to others as if it was nothing.

Growing up, currently now 19, I felt even worse. Even though I had friends along the way, I still find myself hard to talk to others about what really happened to me in the past. No one ever knows the things that happened. I was always alone and dare not let it out.

I think I should do it especially since I am surrounded with friends I hang out with since I was 14. No more delusions;no more betrayals; no more doubts.

True Colours

Ever since secondary school I thought everyone has a real self that is hardly shown to the world. Some accidentally show it while others open themselves up with their closed ones.

These few days was tiring as hell. I did not do much actually but maybe because my cough was getting worse that I was feeling a lot more lethargic than usual. It is said that you will know who your true friends are when you are at a bottomless pit. If my sore throat is a bottomless pit that I had fall into, I can say these past few days had definitely shown me others' facade.

I was reminded of a book called "A Thousand Nights". A particular paragraph had implied that when one is quiet enough, one is able to hear the rumors and the current gossips of others. If this is put in another way, one is able to notice others more when one is in a quiet self. I find this true especially the times when I restrict myself to talk to contain my voice, scared it would worsen.

I saw others expressions but however what they said didn't complement with what they showed. I was able to see their true colours; I saw that they are angry, sad and many other emotions. They tried composing themselves and hide their emotions but I was able to see through it. Apparently the mask isn't thick enough.

It is not in my power to stop what they are feeling but I tried persuading them. It seems to ease them a little but now I felt even bad. It felt like I was the cause of this anger building up inside them. What is wrong with me? I should have been more tactful. Now, I'm being hit by karma as my throat still hurts a lot.