Life Is Full Of Dramas, Literally

So, I'm at Season 7 of The Vampire Diaries already and it's been a whole ride of ups and downs. I kinda miss Klaus now. It's weird how I shipped Caroline and Klaus together. Maybe I'm just a sucker for British accent.

The drama is getting boring though, been thinking to start watching Riverdale but I'm scared I'll be hooked to it like I am with 13 Reasons Why.

My life is kinda dramatic as well. As much as I like dramas, real life drama is a drag especially if there is no happy endings. I still remember a story I read at wattpad about how happy endings aren't actually an ending. In fact, happy endings are just a new beginning. Nothing really last, especially happy ones. Good things don't last. I just have to deal with it.

The next round of university applications is coming soon and I still haven't figured out what I want to do. The only problem I think is, can I actually get into uni? As much as I want to get in, I don't think I am able to get in. Sucks huh? I guess dreams don't work unless you do. My GPA is like shit and if I can't get in, private schools are my only ticket to have a degree. Diploma isn't enough in this century, apparently.

So... for now I made a list of things I need to get it done by September, before I submit my application.

1. scan the remaining academic transcripts and personal achievements

2. scan my ID

3. get a passport sized photo (maybe in softcopy as well?)

4. write my resume

5. write my personal statement

6. write my essay

7. get a screenshot of payslip or CPF statement (i think this part is the easiest)

8. prepare for announcement of acceptance/rejection (YAY?)

I guess worse come to worse, I will just enlist in the army? LOL at least I would have something to do. On the side note, as I'm grumbling about how sad my life is, other people are worst. I have this coworker who don't even have a diploma and is struggling to get a full time job. I guess now the economy is bad huh?

I just hope things will be better next month. :\ 

I'm The Same Me Though..

Bangs on the front

Centre parting at the back

Contact lenses in

Spectacles out

The people smile at me

I broke into a smile

Arms stretched wide

Squashed they made me

Bangs to the side

Side parting all the way back

Contact lenses out

Spectacles in

The people ignore me

I broke into a frown

Arms stretched wide

Hollow they made me

Life Is Like A Rose; there are good times & bad times

Living life in b&w was tiring... I decided to live life in colour again. Friends are forever, boys are juz there. I don't need them.

So from yesterday onwards, I've revert back to the good ole days when I read all those tragic stories on wattpad especially those triggered stories. Well, since my life is already so pathetic, these stories actually made me feel much better as my life isn't that bad juz that it will still be suckish and I can't change it.

I sort of scare him away when I asked for a closure. Tbh, I didn't even know what I was doing. It felt bitter of coz but I kind of agree tat we are better of as friends but I juz dun get wat he means by him not compatible wif me. Itz either his putting himself down or itz legit true. I think itz the former though.

Anyways, the good thing is I no longer have school so I won't bump into him. Such a bummer though coz I keep "seeing" him everywhere. But I believe I'm done with this. I'm okay being friends juz tat r/s haz to wait a few years I guess...

SO ytd onwards I had a curfew I think; 10pm. It suckz... no more going out late I guess haizzzzzzzz I wan more freedom!!!

Note to Self

I feel like burying myself in the sand yesterday while I was at the beach. Getting immobilised for a moment and not thinking much. But I think the soaking in the sea worked since water has always calm me since I was young. Maybe that is why I always like to go swimming. The down side is getting tanner everytime I go LOL.

So Ryl and Nia was curious about the whole thing that happened. I mean I don't mind telling but Ryl seems intimidating so I ended up juz saying snippets of it LOL. I think I'm juz not comfortable enough to talk f2f I guess? The reassuring thing was Ryl is ready to punch him if anything were ti happen. I find it funneh coz Ryl is like s much smaller. I think he confirmed lose HAHAS. Nia even called him a jerk I can't even. I think I was even stupidly defending him coz he is still my friend, rite?

Well, on the plus side I think I am more calm now. I sort of will myself not to get too attached to them as a whole ba yknow... but I feel bad like the rest aren't at fault. But I think deep down Iknew what was his reason. He likes her. Itz so obvious actually juz that he hasn't figured it out yet. He is even willing to help her get thru her shitz. I mean who wouldn't want a guy like that rite? The girl muz be blind if she didn't see it.

Time to change I guess. My image haz already changed. I juz hope no one else noe about this drama coz itz kinda embarrassing. Idk wat I would do if one day someone asked me do I like him LOL.

July 5th is kinda like D-Day coz of the event and I will see them and another annoying person. Sorry but I think I'm scared of you >~< . You are a good senior but I don't feel that comfortable around you especially alone. Sorry for always rejecting you but it was a legit reason that I wasn't free.... Wei and I think I should stay away from you coz itz kinda creepy... And I think I should distance myself from the opposite sex for a while. I should stop being friendly and comfortqble with the opposite sex coz itz toxic to me. Yeap, note to self.

Update

Hi blog! Long time no see! So....... life has been hectic i guess... as always... I'm like waiting for Uni Applications but I still don't know what I want to do in life GG...

These past few days has been sooooooooooo tiring I KENNUT.

But I think itz coz I'm juz kinda depressed LOL... Things are like biting me in the ass and I'm like here lost at what to do... Well 12 June 2017 marks the day when I was a goner... I think I lost myself on that night... Such a bummer... I'm like letting a rejection get to me like this...

Letz start frm the beginning shall we? Well first, I got crazy and decided to confess so I sent him a song link of Carly Rae Jepsen's I Really Like You... and things were going smooth I guess since he said he don't mind with a r/s or whatever... and then few days later BOOM, I plunged downhill like on a rollercoaster ride that is going down...

Saying I was fine was underrated since I wasn't. Till date, I think I'm still not okay... I guess time will heal ba... But based on my past experience, I dun think I'm gonna will myself to forget this coz I think I might forget my other memories instead... I guess I have to stay strong for now... Even arcades not working in cheering me up...

Reading back my poem "A Fool" makes me think that it was me... I think I predicted my own future LOL GG What is wrong with me and my love life? Juz stay single sua rite? Lesser problem, lesser commitments, lesser drama...

A Fool

I took a glance

When I had the chance

Seconds then minutes

We were infinite

Your eyes ever so bright

You brought me light

And your curling lips

Oh, my heart even skips

Baby, you were perfect

How right we clicked

But I knew better

When you met her

We were the wrong pieces

And then it creases

No matter how hard we try

The setting sun said bye 

I stole a glance

When I had a chance

Seconds then minutes

It was absolute

Your eyes ever so bright

You bring her light

And your curling lips

Oh, my heart still skips

Baby, you are perfect

How right you both clicked

Wish I knew sooner

Before I became a goner

Update bout my life at the moment...

Exams are next week and i've been doing a lot of questions in preparation for them. Since I failed my components for PSA, I have to get at least 75 marks for that paper on Monday which is driving me crazy.

As much as everyone has faith in me, I don't. I am super scared I will fail that module and have to retake another semester. It just sux since I'm not born with a high IQ. + itz not helping that I'm beyond lazy since forever. HAIZZZZZZ...

So here I am, on my study break trying to grasp the already blurring situation. I got a very bad feeling that I have to remodule. HAIZZZZ... but nonetheless, I don't think it's the end of the world rite ? At most, I just have to study harder to graduate in September/October instead of May :\

Letz face life with positivity anyways since life isn't that colourful to begin with...

W PROJECT 장준, 영택 "가뭄 (Feat. BéE)"

Today marks the day of the 2nd W PROJECT!!!!

The song genre is similar to INFINITE H since it's featuring BéE from Rphabet who has been with INFINITE for quite some time now. But nevertheless, the song is mindblowing!!!!!

Click the link below and be prepared to be WOW-ed :D

W PROJECT 장준, 영택 "가뭄 (Feat. BéE)"

Kinda sad that the Woollim boys are around my age or younger T^T #ohwell... at least got some older than me... 6 more oppas to fangirl over WOOTS!!!! Can't wait to see Daeyeol OMG!!! saw the replies to my comment [If W PROJECT is getting better and better, when DAeyeol's turn comes, it's explosion time !!!], people are saying they stan INFINITE but don't know Daeyeol and some even saying Daeyeol is their brother in law; kinda disturbing man...

GET THESE FACTS RIGHT PEOPLE:

1. OUR OPPAS REMAINS OUR OPPAS
2. WE DO NOT FIGHT WITH OTHER FANS OVER THEM COZ OUR OPPAS ARE NOT OUR POSSESSIONS
3. OUR OPPAS WILL ONE DAY DATE AND GET MARRIED WITH OTHER GIRLS BUT NOT THEIR FANS AND WE, AS FANS HAVE TO RESPECT THAT
4. WE DO NOT FANTASISE OUR OPPAS AS OUR OWN PARTNERS (OTHER THAN FANFICS LOL)
5. WE DO NOT INVADE OUR OPPAS' PRIVACY
6. OUR OPPAS REMAINS OUR OPPAS

Seriously, some fans are so weird especially those EXO sasaengs. SERIOUSLY?! Shouldn't you respect your oppas and not invade their privacy? Get some respect man! Too obsessed won't get you anywhere.

Well anyways, I hope more people will appreciate the 2nd W PROJECT!!

PS. it juz sux since BTS made a comeback on the same day :\ they even reached 5 million views haizzzz EVERYONE PLS LOVE WOOLLIM MORE!!! JEBAL!!!

Memory

Memory is something remembered from the past. It is therefore a precious thing. To contain a memory of someone or something from the past and be able to retain it is a gift. Some suffer from amnesia and therefore, do not get to enjoy the gift. Those who still has their memory intact though, some tend to use it to an advantage or sometimes not appreciating it.

I personally belong to the group that don't appreciate certain memories that I still retained in my mind. However, those that I want to remember are those that I forgot. Often, I wished my memory capacity wouldn't play such a joke on me. It's cruel to remember things I don't want to and forgetting those memories which are so valuable to me. Things that happened just five minutes ago, I can't seem to remember it well. Sometimes, I even forget those memorable experiences I had in the past. Today, an acquaintance from the past said hi to me but I failed to recognise instantly who he was. It was sad since I am now forgetting people I've met and interacted with.

Maybe this is karma since I always wished I had amnesia so I can forget all those painful memories. Nowadays, instead of burying them inside somewhere, they seemed to be popping out one by one. I even had a vivid nightmare about one of it. It was horrible since I was like practically experiencing it all over again.

If I were granted a wish to remember something in the past, I would want to remember all the good times I had with my muzk3t33rz (i forgot the stylized name and where my badge is, ohwell). Seriously, I was able to reminisce a lot about the past last time, but now, I can barely remember anything other than vague facts.

Sometimes I think having amnesia is a gift instead since one is granted the chance to create a new life. The past live isn't that important anymore in this case. People keep saying that the past doesn't matter since we are living in the present but it is hard to act that way. I keep thinking about the past and can't seem to move on even though I have the mindset to do so. It's depressing and at the same time it is causing me to crumble bit by bit. Being hung up by the past isn't something you want to experience. So, how does one move on? I thought it would be easier to just forget everything and bury them somewhere but it seemed to only be taunting me.

I think I need help but at the same time it's weird getting help from people, especially strangers. Why would strangers care about your baggage? It's just too much. I just thought (still think) that keeping everything inside me and tackling everything by myself is all that it takes. I shouldn't burden anyone, not last time, today or ever.

Depression

Depression is a state of unhappiness or despondency. When one feel emotions like hopelessness and despair, it might be depression.

It is said that depression tends to engulf one's life while in some cases, one might not even feel like anything has changed. The symptoms vary depending on the cases of the one experiencing it.

Some may experienced changes in weight, oversleeping or even loss of interest in daily activities.

Those who felt like nothing has changed, are those who are slowly falling into depression. This is especially if the person is introverted or are slowly distancing them everyone including their own family or their loved ones.

They will start to be alone and not really feel that they are actually alone when in reality, they are indeed alone. This is sad actually since the person is slowly going into oblivion.

In some cases, when the person is aware that they are alone, they feel distraught and this can become guilt which in turn becomes self-blame. Some even proceed to self-inflict and continue to live in their own world.

Slowly by slowly, they sink further into the black hole until one day someone is brave enough to pull the person out. This will only be possible if the person opens his/her heart.

So, will the day to finally come out of the hole finally come?

SUCCESS

What is success? What do you define as success? How do you determine it's a success?

All these questions, it seems no one is completely sure whether they have the right answer or not. At one point, some may have their own answers but it can't be said to be correct. Not everyone agrees to a particular definition of success. It seems everyone has their own way of determining success.

This brings us back to the burning question - what is success? If you look in the dictionary, success is "the accomplishment of an aim or purpose". So, does that mean that success can be defined in one's way of defining it?

Many have a standard for the term "success". To them, success is bringing in money, earning profits and being one of the top few multi-billionaires. This makes one ponder whether success equals to money. Many tend to define that they are equal but are they really equal?

So, what is success actually?

TIRED

Ever felt so tired in your life? I know I did at some point in my life.

I can be doing something I like at the moment and I feel so lethargic that I am barely doing anything. It's like I'm staring into space or even stoning but in actuality, I'm just reflecting on myself.

It feels so depressing and everything just feels like a downer. I even feel weak to get up from my bed to actually have a decent bath. I just lay there as I looked up at the dusty ceilings and ponder on things. I can be looking at how round the lights in my room are and the next moment I stare at the white empty space and drift off to another world.

At times when I'm on the way to school, I look out the window and watch all the trees, buildings and people I left behind as the bus made its way to its destination. All I did is just stare at things and do nothing else. I can't really say I'm listening to music even if I'm plugged in since the music is just there to break the silence and nothing else.

On days when I was brought to another world, I was having an adventure that I would not forget. However, if you asked me what they were, I could not give any answers as I have forgotten everything. It seems like my subconscious mind is working when I'm actually conscious which means to say I am actually daydreaming for real. I always wonder how my subconscious mind works and how is it I can't seem to remember the dreams that I wished to remember. It's annoying actually, not being to do what you want.

School is such a drag, with homework piling up and exams coming up. I wished I was born smart so I don't have to waste time studying something so difficult. As much as I like school, I hate exams. It's tiring to study and when the results failed me, I just feel so tired and distraught.

It's funny how the feeling tired can branched out to many other feelings. It's similar to the term mixed feelings at the same time it differs since tired is like the core feeling involved. It's like tired causes certain feelings to come by and further destroys oneself. It's scary though if one takes tired too leisurely. The consequences may be dire.

My personal experience may differ to others and at this moment I wonder, what does tired actually means?

Lies & Liars

Lies are so easy to conjure especially when it becomes a habit. With a snap of the fingers, lies are told. Every second, someone is lying whether directly in the face or behind someone's back.

A habit turned into an addiction makes one a professional liar. A facade is put on the liar's face where only a few is able to see through. If you look closer, you will be able to see more, like the sudden movement in the eyelids, a hitch in the breath or even the sudden change of expression. It is said that a joyful person is actually a loner and in turn, a liar.

A mysterious person is seen as someone with so many things to hide. It is also assumed that they too are liars.

So, does this means everyone is a liar at some point of time?