Update

I keep having dreams of KPOP idols that are not my oppa. Maybe coz my sister always watches them beside me and it's kinda annoying since I sorta don't like them.

The weird thing was that my sis's bias was saving me from this evil guy and change my life for the better. I might have read too much on this genre LOL.

So I had a very bad headache sort of thing yesterday which caused me to wake up in the middle of the night twice. Usually I would never wake up when I'm sleeping as I'm a deep sleeper but yesterday was hell. The pain was mostly on my neck at the back of my head and it's very annoying. As I'm typing this, I'm still feeling the pain. ARGHHHHH Life just sucks.

And I realised I'm supposed to be at school today to do my project but I forgot so I decided to do a bit on my other projects at home.

Everyone I know is on overseas, even my family is going next week for 3 days. I'm not going as I don't really feel the hype of going.

I used to be jealous of people going to holidays once or twice a year and they even went cruising before. I feel like a total virgin since I never experienced a lot of things in life. It's aggravating to be living like this at times.

So recently there is 3 Kdramas hot on my list - Weighlifting Fairy Kim Bok Joo, Goblin and Hwarang.

I've been catching up with Weighlifting Kim Bok Joo since the 2 main casts caught my eye in School 2015 and Cheese In The Trap respectively. Nam Joo Hyuk is one rising actor man! Lee Sung Kyung wasn't actually my fav person in Cheese In The Trap since she was evil to Kim Go Eun tsk. But she proved to be a very good actress. I caught a glimpse of her in Doctor and it's quite sad she isn't the lead actress coz she is good. Weightlifting Fairy Kim Bok Joo granted my wish and bonus, she didn't even have to show her pretty face to show off her charms!

Goblin caught my eye since Lee Dong Wook, Yook Sung Jae and Kim Go Eun is in it. Everyone is there to see Gong Yoo ever since he was so popular in Train to Busan well, me not really. The bromance between Gong Yoo and Lee Dong Wook is one of the most eye-catching scenes though! Especially when Lee Dong Wook bizarre actions takes part in the drama! This drama is worth the hype!

Hwarang is like another Scarlet Heart Ryeo since it is full of kkot nam ja. I'm basically there to see Park Seo Joon, Go Ara and Park Hyung Sik. A lot is chasing after BTS, V but me not so much. Episode 2 was super touching omg! Lee Kwang Soo cameo was simply memorable! I just hope this drama won't be a disappointment like Scarlet Heart...

Reliving My Childhood Days

I've watched Winx Club since I was 7, from 2004.

My friend introduced it to me and told me I had to watch it. I wasn't an early riser but this cartoon made me wake up early every Saturday to watch it on TV. If it wasn't for this cartoon, I would sleep in every Saturday~

So I liked Bloom since forever. Maybe coz I always liked the main characters LOL And I absolutely detest the evil villains no matter what show I'm watching.

I've been rewatching the series from Season 1 to the first movie. Previously, I tried to watch until Season 7 but barely made it to the middle. They changed the graphics and voices and it kinda ruined my childhood. But coz I wanted to know what happened, I braced myself HAIZ.

So I heard there is Season 8 and another movie coming up after the two seasons of World Of Winx. Seriously mind-blowing! I wonder if kids nowadays even know what they are watching since the generation now are watching from around Season 6 onwards. Maybe they will grow up realising their childhood was a lie like all of us LOL.

I went to winxclub,com just now and downloaded a few wallpapers and decided to make it into a calendar for my PC coz why not. Call me childish or wateva HAHA.

Below are the calendar templates I generated from calendar-pdf.net Feel free to check out the website for an easy way to get a calendar and your fav photo :D

JANUARY 2017

FEBRUARY 2017

MARCH 2017

APRIL 2017

MAY 2017

JUNE 2017

JULY 2017

AUGUST 2017

SEPTEMBER 2017

OCTOBER 2017

NOVEMBER 2017

DECEMBER 2017

8 DECEMBER = WORSE DAY EVER

Im so gonna be screwed tmr!!!

BYEBYE 15% of my grade

BOO ME FOR NOT UNDERSTANDING A SINGLE SHIT DAMNIT!

WELL I TRIED STUDYING TDY, IT DIDNT WORK.

SRSLY THEY SHOULD GIVE US MODEL ANSWERS SO I CAN ACE MY EXAMS. 

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

SO PISSED NOW!

IM SO GONNA BE MARKED BY THE HATEFUL TEACHER WHEN HE RETURNED OUR PAPERS BACK WHEN SCHOOL REOPENED!

YAY ME! @@

I COULDN'T BE HAPPIER ==

Temporary Study Break

Been studying for several hours now... I wonder what I studied...

Damn, I'm screwed! I'm so gonna blame the cher for not teaching us the theory properly ARGH!!! I don't get a single thing!! OMG...

PLEASE PLEASE LET ME AT LEAST PASS THIS STUPID MODULE ARGH!

Well, at least I won't fail one of my papers. My first paper was rather easy just that I forgot a few simple theory tsk. My mind decides to play me at the last moment THANKS (so not pfft)

I read this touching story from twitter about this girl writing a letter to herself 10 years later. I find it cool and maybe I should do it too? DAMN, I seriously think I'm age-ing backwards.

I learn a lot now compared to when I was actually on the growing phase. I think I might really be weird...?

I've run out of english teenage movies, maybe it's time to watch mature ones. NAH... I barely survived an NC16 violent movie without shutting my eyes at every gory scene EWW. I tried watching Deadpool with my underage sister, let's just say we survived the first 5min of it oops. It was too much for my eyes and my fragile heart HAHA.

Well, time to study again. Wish me good luck :)

Until next time...

The Wrong Path

I've decided to end my virtual world and then I receive an email from a virtual friend. WOW.

Things just aren't going my way.

I have my mid terms next week. I'm so not ready. Well at least there is no paper on Wednesday.

The only problem is I still can't find my calculator. I swear it's like my 10th calculator already! ARGH! I must have left it in the library the other day coz I can't find it anywhere!!

Sooo, I decided not to get a new one since it's my last semester. I juz hope my sister's calculator won't bail on me. And I need to get it approved. Such a bummer!

I've been thinking, maybe I'm on the wrong track. I should have ended this 2 years ago. Now I've wasted 2 years + studying something I hate and end up not getting anywhere. I should have went to study F&B Business like I wanted to. I was delusional to think that he would go there with me too.

I feel so ashamed now to be so delusional and desperate over some teenage crush. PFFT, I'm so stupid.

I feel more stupid now, realising two days ago, I tried stalking his social media. Well, obviously he didn't update so I just wasted my effort. ARGH!!

OMG I should stop thinking about him. DAMN, to think I wasted 3 whole years liking him?! What's with me and wasting 3 years LOL. I wasted 3 years before and I'm wasting 3 years again. My fate with life sux.

My playlist seems boring now, so here I am listening to the radio and Bruno Mars - It Will Rain is playing. I feel more depressed now. :\

I've been dying to do a health check. And then, my sort of smart ass friend decided to say just take a freaking blood test coz I'm wasting my money on nonsense ECG. Well, it's my money and my wish. God, just let me do it! I've got a very bad feeling about my heart so I need to get it check out. -shrugs-

Well, I might die sometime and with my failing memory, I'm trying to record my life everyday in case I forgot certain memories. OH WELL I failed my life.

Subconscious and Conscious Mind

I've been having weird dreams lately. On the plus side, at least I'm not so sleep-deprived, I guess. And also, I might be able to control my insomnia the healthy way. So I know I cannot sleep early, so I made use of the time to do my project. Hell, all my teachers decided to bomb us projects when exams are round the corner. Powerpoints, reports and whatnot all due when school reopen. Save Me!!!

I've decided not to work for now until after I graduated. I need a break from all the nonsense. I need more me time so work has to be sacrificed. Money is sacrificed too, oh well.

So this morning, around midnight, my friend texted me about this "DBS paylah" promo (whilst stock last). I earned a good SGD5.00 but then I got greedy. I wanted more but no one is willing to help me. DAMN, they all scared and whatnot. I needed the moneh bitches.

If any of you readers decides to help me, download the DBS paylah app and sign up. Remember to key in my referral code "AMEHZU710" and you can get SGD5.00 too. Hurry coz only first 30k transaction.

Well, enough about money talk, now Kdrama is getting boring. The nice ones are not in seasonal so I watched english sitcoms when I'm bored and decided to turn on the tv. My father installed this thingy called "MBOX" and there is this app called Megabox. It's super good coz all new movies are there (but I don't watch them) and english tv shows are even included. I managed to watch the whole "ICarly" series. I used to watch them but not in order as I didn't have the tv cable last time. Now, I wished I had so I can watch all the Disney Channel sitcoms like The Suite Life series. DAMN, my childhood is being missed.

I feel bad nowadays, cos everyone is chasing after their K namjas. I lost hope in voting for MAMA 2016. Let's face it, INFINITE lost their glory days since Last Romeo and when they embarrassed themselves EPIC!! Dongwoo was super hilarious like always.

It's saddening coz no matter how good they are, they are not winning MAMA anymore. IT'S UNFAIR. Even now, BTOB has a nice comeback song again "I'll Be Your Man" but they are being under-appreciated. KPOP is becoming weird.

I saw an article about the 3 rookie girl groups from SM, YG and JYP. The top 3 entertainment agency. Well, I seriously hoped BLACKPINK rises among the other two - Red Velvet and Twice coz they are better and I don't really like RV and T. (Hate me all you want but I'm still not gonna like them; maybe at most I only like Jeongyeon)

OKAY, back to my subconscious mind, I think I have a wild imagination deep inside my head that only comes out in my dreams. I should take note of them and maybe make use of it when I'm in the mood for some story writing HAHA.

Time to continue my report writing; SAYOUNARA MINNA-SAN!!!

A Not So Good Night

Well, I sort of forced myself to go to sleep yesterday, which totally didn't work out.

I slept at 2am. YAY at least I improved from 4am and barely managed to wake up for school today. THANK GOD my class starts at 10am today.

So I was abruptly woken up from my sleep by my alarm and ALSO this very weird dream.

I vaguely remember the whole details but the main thing is the characters and what I did in the dream.

Disclaimer: The following paragraphs may or may not offend some people BUT HEY, it's juz a dream~

So if I remember correctly, I was sort "mates" with 2 guys namely GOT7 BamBam and Mark. (weird right, I know) First of all, no offence and all, I rather dream about my INFINITE oppas especially Dongwoo but NO, my brain decided to make me dream about GOT7.

Anywho, back to the dream, I was at first destined to be mates with BamBam. And to sort of "seal the deal" (basically, agreeing to be mates) with this mate thing, I had to bite of my mate's ear and sort of suck the blood out. (I mean, eww?! I hate the taste of blood the most) Well anyways, in my dream, my mate's blood is supposed to be sweet. So yeah, his blood is sweet.

And then, a sudden change in scenes, I was sort of given another mate. GOD knows why but I'm into polygamy?! Well, Mark was to be my second mate and I was to mark him the same way. But, something forbids it and ta-dah, we cannot process the marking. So, I had to taste bitter blood like EWW. I can already imagine the taste.

So I woke up after feeling disgusted. I told my friend this morning and she suggested me googling what my dream was about. I was sure nothing would come out coz I always have weird dreams. Maybe the too much werewolves and vampires stories on wattpad made me go crazy. Like seriously?!

Well, I went to google it, and it's the closest I could get since who on earth would post a dream like mine?!

• Luck if collecting or drinking blood - When you dream that you collect or even drink the blood, this announces you will have good prospects and good hopes
• Biting someone so as to make him bleed -  You love him but will harm him
• The dreamer biting someone out of love - Will love him more

GREAT. I think I'm lost now. OHWELLS T^T

Karma Strikes Me

So insomnia is not only a curse but also a misfortune.

I got grouped by two unknown people in my class. Seriously who are they? I don't think I ever heard their names before. ARGH I can see my project failing. DAYUM

My future is bleak; I can't see my future. My so called "clique" decided to leave me alone with 2 jokers. IDW do this project alone!!!!!!!!!

Karma is such a bitch...

INSOMNIA + MISSING CLASSES

It sucks wanting to have an early night but after 2 hours on the bed, I'm still awake. :[

So because of that, I didn't manage to wake up on time for school and I'm missing all my classes. I'm screwed, this can't be happening. My attendance is running low. ARGHHHHHHH I HATE INSOMNIA!!!

The stupid thing is I'm waking up at the time when my classes are over; let's face it, I won't make it to school on time for my classes. So practically, every week, I'm only going to school like 2-3 days :\

To make it worse, I don't know how to face my FYP group mate. He is doing everything to salvage our project and I'm not helping. I'm like a lost sheep now.

I should at least do the report since that is my niche. ARGH project piling up, exams are nearing and my project due date is creeping me. I feel like I'm buried under all these stress.

I'm desperate. TATSUKETEKUDASAI!!

Happy Dongwoo Day

As the name suggests, today is Happy Dongwoo Day. It's my bias oppa birthday!! YAY!! ＼(^o^)／

So I've spammed both my insta account to upload my oppa's photos (it will never be enough). I tried to control my main account but on my other account, I was determined to follow my insta theme.

I've decided few days ago to start doing this insta theme. I know it's already out of trend but I like doing things that's out of trend idky.

So basically, I'm going to follow the colours of the rainbow then to monochrome. Each colour will consist of 9 pictures mainly consisting of that particular colours. And then when I'm bored I will continue to the pastel colours?

The main thing is I want to feel involve in my life :\ I always wonder why I'm alive. It feels weird though to have a soul and feeling things. I'm always thinking whether I'm really alive or maybe I'm a boring character from somewhere.

On the bright side, today is a happy day. I just realised my bias share his birthday with a lot of other famous people like silverlight Eunkwang and some dude from MonstaX. It feels weird though to share a birthday but it's cool at the same time.

I used to go crazy and wanting to know people born on the exact same day and year with me. Well, now i know two of them and let's just say we are not what I imagined us. I always thought my birthday twinnie will be my long lost twin LOL. Much imagination I know.

I still believed I'm age-ing backwards. It's like I'm trying so hard to relive my childhood as I was sort of childhood deprived. I don't have many good memories. I always wanted to have a birthday party but never actually had it. I really really wanted my own cake but it was always shared with my two other sisters. To make it worse, I had to wait for my cake 2-3 months later. I was always sad on my birthday itself cos no one ever celebrates it with me. I hardly get wishes even. Heck, I don't even think my parents know my birthdate anymore.

I think that's how I ended up getting angry at my best friend for not getting me a gift. I was angry cos I prepared things for them that year and I wanted someone to remember my birth so much I gone bonkers.

I never really apologise though or explain why I reacted so big but no matter how tough I looked, I don't have the guts. I was always strong on the outside and weak on the inside, maybe that's why some people stepped on me.

I tried letting it go and make myself believe my birthday is just another day but trust me, it didn't work. I was forced to put on a happy facade when I'm actually not. I'm birthday deprived and I don't think it will disappear.

Well for now, think happy thoughts and let's have a moment to see how cool my oppa is. He is after all my 야생눈매 천사 오빠~~~ <3 (≧3≦)

My Life At Wattpad // Short Update

Wattpad has many stories written by hobbyist. To be honest, most stories that I've read - the plot is there but my eyes hurt from too much grammatical errors. I MEAN SERIOUSLY PEOPLE, TAKE PRIDE IN YOUR WORK. I can forgive you for the grammar but at least fix the spellings. GOD, please spare me.

Well, anyways I wanted to try out writing fantasy like my friend suggested. She thinks I have a wild imagination LOL. So what better way to try this genre than do a fanfic? However, halfway writing out the different chapters, I got stuck. I don't know how to continue. So now I have 4 incomplete chapters. DAYUM

My main story at wattpad also have a pending half chapter that is waiting for me to continue it. I might be having writer's block? It's like I have the ideas flowing in me, but I don't know how to put it into words. And the ones I typed doesn't seem to impress me.

HELP ME!! TATSUKETEKUDASAI!! > <

Out Of Trend

So I found out about Midnight Red while I was listening to Taylor Swift songs that I liked. And then I found out that they disbanded??!! I mean what's with me and noticing people when they are not together anymore or when they disband a few years later?


First off, I noticed the Taiwanese band, Fahrenheit aka fei lun hai. 1-2 years later, I saw on the newspaper that they disbanded. I was like WHATT??!! Like finally I have some idol chasing to do and then I lost my job. PFFT, life sux.

And then I started liking a lot other singers and bands, let's just say it didn't end up well.So, I had a crush on KPOP idols in 2014 namely my beloved oppas - INFINITE!!!!! I wished I knew them 4 years ago when they debuted though. I feel so bad for catching up with them 4 years later. HAIZZZZZ. Now I'm feeling a bit on edge. I prayed hard I won't be a curse for them. My past experiences didn't end up well.

INFINITE has a sister group that I have been following since 3 of them did their solo debut. 3 of them and 5 others come together to form - Lovelyz. This group is underrated but I like their vocals very much especially Kei, Baby Soul and JIN. I feel sad for them though since they debuted with a common theme like other girl groups which is the school concept. Plus, they always have the cliche girly songs. But I swear they can achieve more with charismatic themes. Mijoo will totally rock the stage man since she is like Hoya's counterpart in Lovelyz. HAHA.

I come across BTS + GOT7's Mark and Lovelyz pairing. It was weird. I mean I thought Lovelyz was unnoticed. And to see these ships with the 2 rising groups, it was bizarre. LIKE WUT.

So the pairing goes like this:

Jungkook - Yein
Jin -JIN
V - Sujeong
Jimin - Kei
Suga - Jiae
J-hope - Jisoo
RapMon - Baby Soul
Mark - Mijoo

The pairing varies with the different Banglyz shippers but main thing is who cares HAHAHAHAH.

It's not like it's gonna be real also. They still have INFINITE oppas to go through first cos family first??? LOL I read too much fanfics that I think I'm going crazy. Too much werewolves stories can kill you in the brain HAHAHHAHAHAH ><

So as the title of this post suggest, I'm out of trend. I'm always doing things that people already done it or I did it before others. I'm not following the trend basically which is good in a way since I hate looking the same like others. So I unintentionally had green streaks of hair tsk. And then I realised a lot people around me have green hair. Well that just sucks, now I look like the rest. HAIZ.I might be still out of trend after today. :\

Embarking My Journey to Virtual World~

So, I was reading a book on Wattpad and suddenly thought to googled "pen pal". I clicked on the first link and immediately created an account to find a pen pal. I know, crazy right? I'm not usually this impulsive and rash but maybe this side of me has always been inside me. Now, I'm being weird. (I spelled werid twice before getting weird right like wut ==)

Anywho, two guys emailed me after seeing my profile. I would say I'm a little scared to embark on this journey but decided to give it a shot. After searching through like thousands of profiles, I made a girl friend, someone from United States. We only exchanged emails once. I found out she lives in Tennessee. It seems cool after she described what it's like. I only knew Hannah Montana was from Tennessee HAHA. My knowledge of the world is really that dense. OOPS

Well, I found out our time zone might be a bit hard to cope with. I think we would be miss each other's emails every now and then. I would reply her when she is asleep and I would receive hers when I'm asleep. It's kind of a bummer actually to wait for a reply. But hey, at least now I can look forward to the next day since I now have emails waiting for me to be read. I'm so excited! Never have I been excited to read emails since I always get spams TSK.

So, it is awkward emailing the two guys since they are older than me. I find myself a bit immature and find it a bit hard to catch up with them. So, I've been searching up on people the same age as me. I tried finding one from my own country but apparently not a lot of my age uses this thing. I think people think pen pal doesn't exist anymore. I would love to do snail mails; I think it's cute and romantic HAHA.

I sure hope this pen pal thing will last for a very long time. It definitely made me feel happy to know that somewhere out there, there is someone rooting for me and they do not need to know me physically. I don't think I will be able to survive well in real life. HAHA.

Nightmare Dressed Like A Daydream

I've been having nightmares these past few days. Woke up every single day feeling shitty; not like it's anything new but it's sort of disturbing.

If my life was a drama, I would have woken up screaming but sadly it isn't. I woke up feeling sad every day to the point that I don't feel like waking up. My subconscious is playing with me but it ain't funny. Maybe I've been too stressed lately hence, the nightmares.

I've been thinking a lot about my past; having friends who betrayed me for god knows why. I seemed to forever be the victim. It seems like a curse since everywhere I go, it will happen. I'm a walking disaster. I shouldn't have survived this far so I wouldn't feel this broken.

This broken feeling is messing with me, my body and my mind. I want this to stop but I have no control over it. It isn't up to me to have known these types of acquaintance. I guess it's fate and it is a learning experience for me to figure out who is real and who isn't.

It kind of sux though to be wary of others. I just want everyone to be friends. It's a simple wish but it is difficult to come true.

I feel guilty to even say that my longest friendship with anyone is around 5 years. I feel like a loser now. Almost everyone have friends they knew since childhood but I have none. It was my wish to have a childhood friend that I am still close with but sadly I don't. Life isn't a drama. :\

I spend most of my life watching and reading drama and wishing I was part of it. I want to be noticed in a good way, be popular and what not but as much as I want my life to be a drama, it's creepy.

I have daydreams about meeting my prince charming (way before I was obsessed with Shrek), but when I was confessed to, it turns out creepy af. I don't even know what to do. I never gave them a chance and reject them straight in the face (maybe indirectly). I feel like the bitch in all drama shows... 

Maybe cos of this, I'm bound to be single for life? YAY I definitely do not want to burden anyone with myself and my family situation. It would be embarrassing. I think God hates me if not I wouldn't be feeling like crap ever since I was conscious.

Hopefully after today I won't have much nightmares. I will never know for sure if it will ever end. :\ To more days experiencing nightmares dressed like a daydream. YAY ==

Chicken // Present

I am a chicken. Let's face it; I don't have the balls to do it. I'm all talk but no action. :\ Maybe that is one of the reason this blog ever existed. I feel so pathetic now. ARGH

So it's already been 4 weeks since school reopened and I haven't been studying. Needless to say, my final year project is going down the drain. All my effort put in is not showing any results. If putting in effort means producing results, then I bet people like me have very less chances of surviving in this world. What ever happened to "the process is better than the results"? The world is so cruel and being 19, I definitely ain't ready for this shit.

Continuing to my preface, it is much easier to think and say about the things I wanted to do but it was very difficult to do it in reality. I am officially a disgrace to the society, the world and mostly, myself. I hate myself. I am weak, pathetic and definitely not worth anything. It is said that one should have self-confidence. I don't have any self-esteem to begin with so where the hell do I get this confidence? I am definitely screwing up my life all these years since I put on a weird facade; I have a lot to hide.

I still believe that dreams are for rich people that now I don't feel like chasing my dreams anymore. It feels like a burden. I only ever need the money to survive in this world. I keep telling myself I just need enough to feed around 3 to 6 mouths. I don't see why there is a need for me to get a diploma when I can just continue my part time job. I wanted to give up already but it was already the last semester, I guess I should stick around a while more.

Judging from my current pay of $8/h, I still need to work long hours to be able to set aside some money for my own splurging. I realised I have the habit of going shopping unknowingly spending hundreds of dollars in merely an hour. It just keeps me preoccupied since my brain is fully occupied with shit. My addiction before this was very bad considering I'm not ready to tell anyone about it. Only my family knows about it but it was embarrassing especially when they bring it up now and then.

I refused to go to the working life early as true hell will starts, Every debts will be on me; phone bills, utility bills, groceries spending. ARGH It puts me home every so often nowadays as I am on the verge of going crazy. As much as to say I am not being filial to think it this way, I find it "funny" as suddenly I was put on the job as head of the family as soon as I step into working life. I'm only the second child man.

I heard stories about everyone having a choice over everything and nothing can be blamed on others. Whereas, on the other hand, a few people are saying everything happens for a reason. So in the end, who's fault is it? Was it mine to ever be born? There are times I wonder is my purpose in life to provide for others and not live for myself? I'm sick and tired being constantly wrapped around a very small circle. I want to get out and create another circle. But, do I have the means to and what will happened if I chose my own path? Only time will tell...

The Real Me // Preface

I feel like a bitch. I take people for granted. I don't give people chances to get to know me better. At most, I told them the me that was potrayed ever since I'm in poly.

I want people to know the real me; the sad, emo girl deep inside but I couldn't do it. it was depressing as I'm constantly bottling myself up with these feelings that are dying to come out. I can't seem to trust anyone that much like I did the last time when I was 12.

I guess being betrayed when I was 12 made me close myself up for a while. I barely managed to do it again when I was 15 but then I realised i must have deluded myself to believe I trust people. What proved me wrong was that I found out what I told someone is being circulated among the others. It hurts to know that your secret can just be blurted out to others as if it was nothing.

Growing up, currently now 19, I felt even worse. Even though I had friends along the way, I still find myself hard to talk to others about what really happened to me in the past. No one ever knows the things that happened. I was always alone and dare not let it out.

I think I should do it especially since I am surrounded with friends I hang out with since I was 14. No more delusions;no more betrayals; no more doubts.

True Colours

Ever since secondary school I thought everyone has a real self that is hardly shown to the world. Some accidentally show it while others open themselves up with their closed ones.

These few days was tiring as hell. I did not do much actually but maybe because my cough was getting worse that I was feeling a lot more lethargic than usual. It is said that you will know who your true friends are when you are at a bottomless pit. If my sore throat is a bottomless pit that I had fall into, I can say these past few days had definitely shown me others' facade.

I was reminded of a book called "A Thousand Nights". A particular paragraph had implied that when one is quiet enough, one is able to hear the rumors and the current gossips of others. If this is put in another way, one is able to notice others more when one is in a quiet self. I find this true especially the times when I restrict myself to talk to contain my voice, scared it would worsen.

I saw others expressions but however what they said didn't complement with what they showed. I was able to see their true colours; I saw that they are angry, sad and many other emotions. They tried composing themselves and hide their emotions but I was able to see through it. Apparently the mask isn't thick enough.

It is not in my power to stop what they are feeling but I tried persuading them. It seems to ease them a little but now I felt even bad. It felt like I was the cause of this anger building up inside them. What is wrong with me? I should have been more tactful. Now, I'm being hit by karma as my throat still hurts a lot.

Life As Of Now

I was super pissed yesterday at work. So my coworker worked the same shift as me but she apparently left me there alone while she only helps me give food to the customer. I had to take orders as well as serve the rice and soup and she only needs to give the dish to the customer. I had an earlier shift and was forced to extend my shift since her friend last minute bailed out for some reason. I only agreed as I pitied my boss for working so hard.

The whole day before I ended my shift, I was putting on a black face. She attempted to talk to me and assumed that I was upset because of the extended shift BUT NO, I was angry at her for not helping me. She could have taken the customers' orders as I had too many on my hands.

It sounds selfish but hey, I am just ranting out since working is hell.

I finally updated my Wattpad story - The Rose, after like around 4 months not touching it. I actually already drafted the chapter but thought that it was advancing too fast so the last two days, I changed the chapter. The story wasn't initially supposed to go that direction but I liked it better this way. 

I feel like I am making my character very bitchy and stuck up with her being self-centered and how she wants things to go her way. At times, I felt that she was pathetic for reacting certain way. It's weird since I was the one who created her but I sort of don't really fancy her. :\

I added a bit of myself into the character to make it more realistic. And then I realised, maybe she is me or am I turning into her? I don't really like her though but since she has my traits, do I hate myself? It feels creepy knowing someone is similar like you but you don't like that person. What is this feeling? I swear I'm turning into her ARGHHHHH

Well, let's forget about her for a while. So this week is already my third week in my last semester of school. Things aren't going so great. My project is still deep under the sea; it's not resurfacing. I'm screwed, I just knew it. SAYONARA graduation. BUT I WANNA GRADUATE ASAP! HELPPPPPPPP! TATSUKETEKUDASAI!!!! :(

Book Review 4 - The Market by J.M.Steele

∞The Market by J.M.Steele∞

❄After stumbling across the Millbank Social Stock Market (MSSM), Kate's horrified to discover that out of the 140 girls in her class, she's ranked a bleak 71. Sure, she's not drop-dead gorgeous, and her fashion choices leave a bit to be desired . . . but 71?! Determined not to accept her fate as a "junk bond," she and her best friends quickly set out to make her the fastest rising stock on the Market.

Armed with a sexy new haircut and killer wardrobe, Kate puts their plan into effect - and the analysts take note. In a matter of weeks, her stock value soars, and "Blue Chip" status is within reach. But what begins as a fun social experiment quickly turns into an obsession, one that threatens to ruin her reputation, friendships, and a chance at first love. Will Kate survive the highs and lows of the Market, or will her security crash and burn?❄

~I actually got this book at a book sale where they were selling books that were out of print and simply not well known to all. I decided to give this book a chance as I got this during the period when I was craze about coming of age movies. I wanted to get a book or two related to this genre. It is not really suitable for my age since I have obviously grown but it was worth reading it.

After reading the first few chapters and the synopsis, I thought this book was similar to "Mean Girls". Well, since a lot of teenage movies and books have cliche plots, I thought it would be the same until I got deeper into the book. I was intrigued by how the book combined both business and high school life together, and me being the business noob, I was a bit confused at certain parts of the story. This however did not deter in my reading and I definitely understand the concept thanks to the author describing it, as the main character is also a business noob like me.

As cliche as a high school story sounds, there is always something about the popular and how many people wants to fit in and not be an outcast. It is saddening to see what people can do just to get what they want. Overtime, not all will realise the sacrifices that were made. Kate does realised though that she had sacrificed her own friends to be with her fake friends. She went into the game too deep but luckily she pulls herself out of it early before going to the point of no return.

There is a moment where I too wanted to be popular but then I realised how tired it will be to give everyone the fake smiles and talk to them as if I cared enough to do so in the first place. I would be a living zombie if I were to go through that. I'm just glad I have true friends with me to go through with this harsh world.

                                                                                                                    ~29 October 2016

Book Review 3 - One by Sarah Crossan

∞One by Sarah Crossan∞

❄Grace and Tippi are twins - conjoined twins. And their lives are about to change. No longer able to be homeschooled, they must venture into the world - a world of stares, sneers and cruelty. Will they find more than that at school? Can they find real friends? And what about love? 

But what neither Grace or Tippi realises is that a heart-wrenching decision lies ahead. A decision that could tear them apart. One that will change their lives even more than they ever imagined.❄

~I was actually intrigued by the book cover when I first saw this book on the library shelf. I usually tend to read books with nice covers as I like pretty things. People always say to never judge a book with a cover but I'm glad this book attracted me for it had led me to other titles written by Sarah Crossan. I was actually going to read this book first but decided to read Sarah Crossan's books chronologically so that I could get used to the author's style.

This book, like "The Weight of Water" is written in poem style and it's written in first person perspective. It can never be better if it was written in third person perspective as the feelings felt would be different and it would come across as sympathy. 

Reading this makes you feel like a conjoined twin and it lets you open your eyes to the cold hard truth of reality where everyone gets judged on how they look. The author's note at the back of the story is actually quite saddening to read as the author did a lot of research just to get an idea on how to write the book. I actually cried reading the book especially the part with the plot twist. It was like a drama scene moment just that it is being depicted with words instead of acting.

Grace and Tippi actually taught me to live life bravely and do not care about the world as much. People tend to mind a lot what others say and change themselves to suit the world. We should be ourselves as we would only feel happier that way.

I actually wished the ending would be something different but with a different ending, One wouldn't be One. And although, this book is for growing up teenagers, I would still recommend anyone to read this. I would definitely spend my money on all Sarah Crossan's books and I would not regret it.

                                                                                                                   ~28 October 2016

Book Review 2 - Apple and Rain by Sarah Crossan

∞Apple And Rain by Sarah Crossan∞

❄When Apple's mother returns after eleven years away, Apple feels whole again. She will have an answer to her burning question - Why did you go? But just like the stormy Christmas Eve when she left, her mother's homecoming is bitter sweet. It's only when Apple meets someone more lost than she is, that she begins to see things as they really are. Apple discovers something which can help her to feel whole from the inside out, not just the outside in.❄

~A memory or just a made up subconscious mind? Apple wondered if it was real but deep in her heart, she knows the answer.

Throughout the story, Apple is forever pining for her mother, creating delusions at the same time. As a reader, I couldn't help but think that Apple is being foolish in believing that her mother would ever return. She is making false hope over something uncertain and I thought that she is wasting her life. But then again she is only a child who just wishes to be with her mother.

The story is full of many feelings - hopes, despair, disappointment, sadness and more. It is so amazing that it can bring readers to smile, cry and even be angry. In my entire life, this book was the second book that brought me to tears. I must have been so engrossed at the story that I could not stop reading and began thinking and feeling like Apple. I wonder if I was becoming like Apple or Apple was in me.

The story also taught one to not be scared to open up to others when you are in trouble or in need of help. I believed that courage is an important key but also the support of others is essential to boost your confidence. 

                                                                                                                       ~17 January 2016

Book Review 1 - The Weight of Water by Sarah Crossan

So to stick to my resolution of writing book reviews, I will include the ones I had written with a few more details. Also, I will add in the book synopsis that is written by the author at the top of my reviews.

∞The Weight of Water by Sarah Crossan∞

❄Armed with a suitcase and an old laundry bag, Kasienka and her mother head for England. Life is lonely for Kasienka. At home her mother's heart is breaking; at school friends are scarce. But when someone special swims into her life, Kasienka learns that there might be more than one way for her to stay afloat.❄

~The book started with the journey from Poland to England. It went on to how the main character adjusts and settles herself in the new environment. Upon reading, a question is sparked - Why are they going to England? Many would have thought that Kasienka (Cassie) is on a vacation but later on it was revealed to be something else.

As a foreigner, Cassie experiences strange things that are hard to explain, especially to a growing child. Children tend to be curious all the time and the moving is certainly not helping Cassie to get her answers. The way Cassie was describing everything that she experienced is written in simplicity which is showing her way of thinking. She has a simple mind and that brings about why there are so many questionable things.

The book tells the story in a very unique way. In addition, as compared to other books, the words are written in poem form and there is almost a chapter in every page. In a way, the words expresses the character's feelings at the moment and is able to grasp the reader's attention more easily.

The book teaches one, especially those who had bad experience(s), to look brighter and learn that there is always light amidst the dark. One has to be positive to be able to tackle a problem.

 This book is also nonetheless a good book and is recommended especially to those growing teenagers and those who loves reading.

                                                                                                                       ~13 January 2016

Resolution

I've read a few books but never actually did a proper book review. So, I've decided to do them from now onwards. I actually did it on my old wattpad account which includes drama/movie/show review. I had done 3 book reviews, a handwritten version. I will include them all in this blog with a few more details.

I am so gonna read more books in the near future. I am thinking to read those classics and learn a bit more on literature. Maybe, in the future I can take some courses to learn literature better since it seems fun.

The Long Awaited Update; Regrets

WOW, it's been like 2 months since I updated my blog !!! OMG, I need to up my game man. This blog thing is supposed to be like a substitute diary since I was lazy to write sometimes. The main reason was I didn't want people to invade my personal life. I mean diary is meant to be a secret i guess? Well, I sort of can't risk people looking through my stuff. Even if I create a made up language, I'm the type to put the legend in the diary itself. Dumb; i know. ._.

Well, I sort of did badly in my exams. I kind of expected it but was a bit shocked since I got mainly Cs and Ds. Sighhhhh. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED MAN?! The good thing is I do not need to remodule and can continue the last semester of my school life.

I actually had thoughts of changing course since year 1 but I did not want to create trouble for everyone. The first would be the admission procedures, such a burden. I also did not wish to abandon my cca which is Red Cross. I sort of found myself a place at school; I could not bear giving it up just like that. Class time was super boring since I didn't have best friends with me. I made new friends though but it seems we do not click. That is why I really loved going to my cca activities every time.

Year 1 was a breeze. Friends come and go. I got stuck with people I hate since year 1 as my classmate in year 2. Seriously though, I really wanted to quit my course but at this point, I was too late as I already indulged myself as one of the executive members in my cca. I know that I'm dumb for going a very long way in life but I still went on with it.

Around the end of year 2, we had to choose our group mates for the final year project. I was desperately looking for people who wouldn't mind me in the team as I was a very slow learner. People used to judge me a lot for being stupid at theory. I mean, I am super weak at physics and I can never understand this subject. I had to learn the hard way to accept science as it is and don't question it but at the end of the day, I learnt nothing and I seemed even more lost.

I knew I was too late at this point to even think of changing my course of life. So, I decided to go on with it and at least graduate with a diploma. I feel very bad for my final year project partner though cos I was the dumb one and I was always a burden. I cannot help in any way. I've been feeling that even our supervisor is speechless with me. He already hates me. I hate myself too. :\

Well, my goal for now is to graduate and at least get a passing grade for my final year project. I just hoped I wouldn't be so stupid as to follow the pressures set by my family situation and could not live my own life the way I want it.

I want to follow my dream. But dreams are expensive. Poor people can't afford it. Disappointment only comes its way.

So, I've been thinking; I should take a gap year around 2 to 4 years. I will save around $1000 per month and then take part time courses in food and beverage field, get a house, renovate the house and live a simple life. The road will be tough as I need to support around 3 more mouths. Seriously, my mother isn't helping since she has very high demands for my money when she herself isn't even helping me in any way. BITCH, she doesn't even know when I'm born or how old I am this year. What kind of mother is she?

I might be suffering from depression and anxiety since primary 6 though. The infamous bullying at age 12. I don't really remember what caused this but I was in shock. I realised now that my stress from that point of time caused me to eat a lot, LIKE REALLY A LOT. I would be stuffing myself with food almost every minute of the day. I didn't know what I was doing though. Maybe I thought by stuffing myself, I won't feel the pain. Well, at least I don't have scars to hide. It's a good thing I didn't resolve to cutting. I was very scared of pain, you see. So now, I have like 10kg of fat in me, it's still growing I think cos I'm getting stress everyday.

No one is helping me and no one can help me. Maybe this is why I always read or watch all those tragic stories so at least I won't feel alone. I have other (fictional) people to help me go through with it. I don't believe a counsellor can help me. I hated strangers the most. They scare me.

I think I've hidden up the real me pretty well. I've been showing people my fake side. Laughing all the time and then I feel all alone when I'm home. I have a very sad life, yeap i know. Life still goes on though. If you are stuck in your past, time won't wait for you. You will still grow; grow older everyday. You just have to go on with life no matter what. Life experiences made you realised the cold hard truth. It just sucks things have to be like this. Who ever said life was perfect?

I NIDDA CHILL PILL

My heart is beating faster day by day especially since exams are next week. + dramas and stories are making me CRAZYYYY

I know i should refrain myself from enjoying but, i cant study at all without it. 

Today I had 6 quizzes. 1 fail though. SUCH A BUMMER. The stupid thing was I don't remember anything from what I've studied from the past few days. I swear my brain is crazy. So all the way, I guessed my answers and YAY I passed 5 of them. Good for me. But if this happens next week, I have to say goodbye to next semester i guess? Forwarding my modules will ruin my schedule for the whole semester. Not much free time anymore. It's total hell!!!!

I just hoped I can pass all my modules and graduate on time. So I can start on my future plans. To take gap year and take self-enriching courses and get a real job. Going to uni only if I have a course in mind.

Good luck to me I guess...

Mental Block, STM and what else ?

SO.......

I said I was going to post my photos from my birthday, but it seems I didn't post any ?

Looking at the date, now is already the 11th day of August. DAMN, WHAT HAVE I BEEN DOING SINCE 19TH OF JULY ? I CAN'T REMEMBER EITHER.

So, the main topic today is my current state. So my exams is round the corner. We have lab tests and quizzes before the main event. The first ever lab test, I almost flunk it. I EXPERIENCED MENTAL BLOCK. I couldn't remember a single thing. I thought I could at least remember something if I waited for around 10 minutes, BUT NOTHING. The good thing was the lab technician helped me with the machines. AND not forgetting my awesome teacher for being lenient with me and not failing me. I just hope tomorrow won't be the same case. I worked hard on it not to see myself flunk. I swear I almost cried when the time was over and I was the last one in the lab still doing my task. It was vexing and humiliating.

My memory has always been good in the past. Coming to a new stage in my education life and meeting new bunches of strange people, I realised I have changed a lot. I talk more, even when I don't like associating myself with strangers. (They creep me out tbh.) I was always the kind of girl who analyses others and not be the first one to talk unless I'm being talked to. I cannot stop blabbering nonsense nowadays. I am getting creeped out at myself. SOMEONE HELP ME. I miss the old me. The me who cares nothing about the world and just go along with the flow. I think I am getting scared to grow up. I don't want to be an adult. I will have a lot on my shoulders. I don't dare to take this job.

OOPSIES, got a little sidetrack. I was supposed to talk about my memory. Well, nowadays I am suffering from STM. I forgot a lot of things that just happened and I will repeat the same things again. I feel like I'm getting dementia. AHHAHA JK.

So, I had suspicions on my health but I don't really want to go check it. It feels scary if you were to know your life had a preset dateline. TAT SUX. I've been losing appetite. I usually can eat a lot but I feel like vomiting it out after eating half of my food. My body is getting weird nowadays too. Maybe I should be checked soon. Who knows I got some heart or lung disease? Prevention is easier right? But if a patient is diagnosed with a disease, how is prevention easier? The disease isn't prevented LOL. Cure is expensive too, not everyone can manage with the bills. Thats why in dramas, the main lead always wants to die rather than being a burden to others. It's just easier that way.

Well, good luck to my exams and I pray for my health.

19 Years of Life

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!! YAY, I'M FINALLY 19.

Birthdays used to be the thing I looked forward to each year (mostly cos no one celebrates it with me). Well, this year marks the 3rd time I actually celebrate the day of my birth. Mostly cos I usually forced people to celebrate it with me. IDK why I will feel very sad if nothing BIG happens on my birthday. It's just weird. Although I don't really like all the attention, I don't want to be alone on my special day. No matter how hard I tried to tell myself it's just another day, I can't help it. :\

I've been thinking a lot what I want to accomplish this year andddddd I honestly don't know. My bucket list has been the same since I was still in my early teens and I still haven't accomplish it since well, it's sort of a future thing that can't happen now. OOPS.

Few weeks ago, I wrote in my diary that I wished to find myself and want to have my talent. It's a childish thing tbh HAHHA but wateffs. I seriously don't know what I will wish for.

For starters, there are a few things I want to do someday in my life. The list can go on forever...

1. Bungee Jumping (I know this is cliche but oh well; I got fear of height actually but I love the thrill xp stress relief HAHAHA)
2. Get my first brand new guitar (1 is coming my way MUAHHAHAHAH)
3. Learn guitar from a pro (when i haz the moneh :o)
4. Be famous someday in wattpad (hey, it's not wrong to dream aite? LOL)
5. Learn english songs so can do cover wif ma guitar (well, maybe I will just use KPOP if im bored wif english)
6. Actually learn how to cook (the only perfect thing I legit know is instant noodles HAIZZZ)
7. Take baking classes (cos why not?)
8. Create my own recipe (i wan originality)
9. Open a family shop (income for the future babeh)
10. Have a BIG house (i love space)
11. Have a driving license (maybe motorcycle cos cars nt rly my thing, i get stuffy)
12. Fix my fear of height (I still cant cross a bridge without having the jitters :x)
13. Control my cravings for food (i feel like im pregnant)
14. Self DIY my clothes (i wanna be different)
15. Have things to do with clique other than movies all the time (i enjoy movies but nt with them since it's too often)
16. Have a cool waterproof camera (maybe i get instax or the photo printer as well?)
17. Own all monster high merchandise esp the NINTENDO 3DS GAMES (I'M SO GONNA GET THIS SOON)
18. Get loads of preetz stationeries so I can nvr be sick of it and run of it like EVER (+ i love stationeries)
19. Last but not least, wish for more happy days in my life

Wellllllll, that concludes my wish list for now which is super cliche BUT I love cliche. I also like childish things cos I am like that. Whoever not happy can get out of my life yeah. I'm not stopping you to be in my life :)

PS. There might be technical difficulties later today or tomorrow due to me uploading my daily moments of nonsense.

PPS. My daily nonsense is still bearable but today's nonsense exceed the maximum level of nonsense.

PPPS. I will never bring nonsense out of my life :D

Short Post to Update :)

I think something is wrong with me. Well, first thing would be I'm losing my appetite. I NEVER lost my appetite! I always have a HUGE appetite cos well, I love food. I can never separate myself from food like ever.

Enough about food, I am also feeling more lethargic with the life I'm living in now. It is very tiring and I am not enjoying it especially my school life, aside from the crazy antics when I'm with people I really like and are comfortable with. I feel like I am lying to myself a lot lately. I do not like the me now. I want a new me. A me that is braver to achieve her dream and not the cowardly me who is studying something to earn a stable income in the future.

I don't ever want to end my school life actually. I know I'm destined to take the burden of supporting the family once I started working. This actually meant that I cannot be who I want to be. I have to slog myself out to earn more money to be able to have some for myself at the end of the day.

Well that aside, I found my hidden talent. I can write poems. I mean everyone cans but words seemed to flow out the moment i write a line. It feels incredible. For once, I don't feel awkward doing something. The content for now is a bit cliche though. But I love cliche, it's like the best thing ever. However, I think I need to think broader? Look forward to see the new me at wattpad :D

Wow I never thought my country has so many beautiful places. I think I really should explore one day. Been living in a hole for 18 years+ (going 19 in 3 days). Damn. The funny thing was I only found out I lived in an unlucky level when I was 18. Unlucky 13 floor HAHAHAH. I don't necessarily feel unlucky though so I think it's still ok.

School has been shitty. I feel like quitting actually, ever since I was in year 1. I thought it wasn't meant for me. But quitting means, I have to abandon everything in that school, even my CCA mates. I don't want that to happen. I value relationships more than anything. I think I'm stupid for not being ambitious, I mean, I'm not even future-oriented for my life. I just want a simple life but the world is stopping me. Change is for the better but what if I don't want to change?

Another Boring Day + My Love Experience :\

So today I had appreciation dinner for volunteering my service. TBH, I think I don't really deserve it as I did not do much. I am actually only going cos my friend wanted to go. Well, mainly cos we signed up together so obviously we should go tgt also right?

So today I typed a chapter and a half of my story at wattpad - The Rose. Chapter 1 is crappy I think but hey, it is still introduction time yo. So I guess it will turn out okay? (I prayed hard it will) Actually, I didn't even know why I titled it The Rose. At first I thought maybe I should follow my account bio. But as I typed the story, I think the title doesn't really match. HAIZ Should I change the flow of my story for the title or continue the direction it is currently going now?

I was thinking maybe the lead character will fall in love and start a r/s but hey, I have no experience (only knowledge from drama). The lack of experience is sort of deterring me from writing the love part, maybe just unrequited love? I think I am very much experienced at this instead :\

Maybe, if I accepted others' confession, I would have experience. In primary school, I happened to find out that my mother tongue classmate had a crush on me. I didn't believe that of course. I mean, we are freaking 11 only. Who the hell has crush that early? Well, maybe crushes happens to boys earlier. As I was saying, his friends was spreading around words that he liked me. I didn't know how to react man. He asked his friend to give me a letter in assembly period. I asked my friend what to do and they helped me settle with the letter. So, I didn't even read it. I guess I was such a bitch back then uh. Maybe now is my karma since I was always a bitch with boys.

I met him again in a tuition center. SUPER SHOCKING! I thought he wouldn't recognise me seeing how I became so tan in secondary school. OOPS. He actually knew who I was but hey, I found out he was attached that's why we didn't like "catch up" and stuff. I think the catching up will be weird though. The funny thing that I found out was, he was actually younger than me by 1 day. LOL Well, so far I know my auntie and SHINEE's Taemin is born on the 18th, I'm 19 and he's 20. Coincident much?

Well, all this crush thing actually got a bit out of hand in secondary school. I didn't trust my friends since they practically told everyone who I was crushing on. I think even the teachers find out cos my class made me sit with my crush OMG. It was good and all but it was SUPER AWKWARD. But, the good thing was my crush is always asleep in class (gamer boy) so, I did not have to care about him being near me. One funny thing I remembered was I poured slime on his palm and he instantly throw it on the floor. IT WAS SUPER EPIC!!! I was crazy in secondary school with all my nonsense. (I seriously think my nonsense is still alive.)

My 3 years unrequited love end tragically with me studying engineering and him studying god knows what in another country. I was tired of always being the first one to contact him instead of him finding me first. I actually found out he felt the same way as me but he made a joke out of it. I knew he was not going to take the first step so I texted him "I see you as more of a friend" (something like that) and stupidly, I forgot he might be with his so called friends. He actually showed them my message OMG. It was super embarrassing. I happened to find out as one of the boys in his clique is actually in my clique. He just wanted to have some guy time. Well, thanks to his guy time, I was embarrassed. I actually didn't really like him for being in my clique. He was very clingy and always like to know my secrets. BITCH. SECRETS ARE CALLED SECRETS BECAUSE WE WANT TO KEEP IT HIDDEN. He even blurted out my confession gone wrong in my face. OMG. I wished I had died there and then. My confession didn't get the reply. He just said he knew how I felt. AND THAT'S IT. NOTHING HAPPENED. I even stupidly suggested if he wanted to go to the same poly -which is NYP. It was my dream school actually. BUT MY WHOLE LIFE PRACTICALLY CRASHED.

I moved on. I don't want to be that desperate little girl who clings on to guys. I don't want to waste my youth on stupid things. Things was going fine in my first year at a new school. I hated this guy, still hating him. To think I'm going to be stuck with him for 3 whole years. OMG I should totally stick to my first choice man. Man, why did I change it? Now I need to learn stupid stuff with stupid people in my class. I only feel like myself with my CCA peeps. IDKY but my class really sux.

What I Did During My 3 Weeks Vacation

Vacation's almost over and I haven't done my assignment yet PFFT. I bet no one in my group has done anything too. I just hope I won't be tanking it all alone cos tat would be sad :(

SO basically, my 3 weeks of holidays so far is spent with movies, dramas and camp. I did not really do anything extraordinary.

Hmm, let's see I finished 2 dramas, "My Amazing Boyfriend" and "Someone Like You", the sitcom, "ICarly", and a few old movies. Today I watched Zootopia. Life seems great but it gets tiring.

I went to camp a few days ago as a first aider. The camp was a disaster tbh not as successful like the PWB peep says. -rolls eyes-

First of all, top 4 shouldn't be GLs. Instead, GLs should be department heads. The prez is saying that everyone should mingle around and bond with campers to look out for potential subcomms. BITCH PLS, this wouldn't be the case if you hadn't wanted to be a GL in the first place. Adding on, you do too many redundant things like for example, stealing other people's job scope. I mean if you are doing their job, what are they going to do?

Secondly, why the camp failed is cos there are too many meetings and redundant dry runs. (Not mentioning 3 of them involving the first aider - I mean for what?) First of all, they told me to go to their meeting to provide feedbacks. Then, I was told to go to the pre-camp training to learn the cheers and games. Also, I had to go to a full dry run before the camp itself. I mean what does this concerns me? Even worse, I had to pay for suckish food. And to think that they keep saying there is no budget when each and everyone has to pay a freaking $18. DAMN.

Speaking of food, actually the 2 food ICs had already planned out a moderate meal plan for the whole 3 days. But because of this "no budget", the PWB gang revamped the food plans with suckish food, 2 ananas lunches, outdoor cooking for 1 dinner(instant noodles and canned food) and suckish KG food. The assistant camp chief ordered the KG catering and he didn't even check what is mapo tofu. How dumb can he get man? Apparently, mapo tofu is spicy and the ACC didn't even consider the food requirements. What is the purpose of asking the campers and organising committee about their diet then?

Adding on, there are too many sudden changes. Like, they didn't even plan for wet weather properly and there is WAY TOO MANY WALKING. PWB is too much in control.

Well, on the bright side, I did managed to spend time with nice people and bitching about PWB throughout the 3 days. LOL

I just created an Instagram account @amishinx where I will most likely be posting everyday, be it unglams or fandom related hehe. My insta account is currently blocked from following people haiz. Guess I have to wait till tomorrow so I can start following accounts again.

I've been doing some serious thinking. Maybe I will learn some cooking or proceed to being a nurse. Who knows what I'm capable of doing. I might even surprise everyone. xp Well, good luck to my future.

Still the old me trying to be a new me

Everything is a lie. I thought I somewhat have friends in my school. But turns out, they turned their backs on me. WE were supposed to go to the event together but they decided to ditch me. OMG. I don't know what is real or fake now.

School just started 2 weeks ago. It's only the third week and my homework is piling up. The lecturers isn't going to cut some slack. I have tons of questions on my head on how to solve the maths problems. I HATE MATHS! I can never get why the hell we need to learn Maths. Haizzzz.

Anyways, I think I should stop going to my part time job and to my extra curricular activities. I have no time as a senior. I need to pull up my grades to be able to graduate like my classmates. I don't want to be left alone on the shelf. (Not about r/s though) ARGGHHH but I need money :(

My fake friends in school that I hang out with everyday don't even care about one another like real friends should do. We just sort of help one another for school work. That's all. I bet we wouldn't even meet in the future for a cup of tea. :\ I miss my old friends. If only I had went to the same school and took the same major. Perhaps, I would have enjoyed more than I do now.

Speaking of old friends, I have one very desperate friend who keeps on wanting to meet me and my other friend on a regular basis. He's my friend all right but believe me, it can't work well if I took time off to always meet up. I need space to juggle between my school work and friends. Apparently friends is like about 10% of my time now. Maybe this is why I don't really have friends at school now?

I wished I was popular so I can like stand out and wouldn't be judged (in a bad way) for my brightly coloured outfit. I mean, people don't really appreciate me wearing bright colours or even those "pajamas-looking" pants that I used to wear when I was still a freshman. I actually kind of miss those pants. I feel really connected to it but people thinks that I looked funny and that I have no fashion sense. Haizz.

I totally abandoned those pants when I was in sophomore year. I wore alot of tshirts with jeans and couldn't be bothered to put on makeup. My senior year was kind of the same. I didn't have time in the holidays to get a fashion change and plus, I had the same classmates and couldn't bear to face their judgement eyes if I were to change my image. Heh.

I need a fashion change :( but I think I should lose weight first to be able to save on the money not buying a lot of clothes and can't fit in it anymore. I was thinking to go to some gym session or maybe go to a martial arts class. Hmmmm.... I'm new to this. It's been ages since I actually will sweat a lot since I always went swimming to exercise. Maybe I will take some dance lessons? Who knows...

GRRRR

Senior. 2 years has passed since entering a new stage of my life. I am now going through the final year in my school life and I still cannot believe it. It feels so fast! Maybe it's because I am usually preoccupied with my CCA and stuff most of the time. Hmmm...

I'm still thinking if I should go to university. I mean, everyone has been thinking of it since first year but I am still unsure of what I should do in the future. Should I be an engineer? Hell no if you ask me cos my maths ain't that good :/ Engineering kills me everyday ARGHHHH If only my O Levels grades were better PFFT

Anyways, my GPA isn't going so well and I doubt I can find a 'shortcut' to change my field of study. I need a miracle, BADLY!! (The only miracle I need is maybe for me to study hard.)

I think I'm crazy - I joined a new CCA. :O Man, people are rushing their GPA, but I am still idling my way through school. What is wrong with me? OMG I think I need a psychiatrist LOL. Nah,
I hate talking to strangers about my private life HAHAHA.

I have no friends in school. Friends, in my dictionary means, people who you can get chummy and crazy with no matter what. School sux and to add to it, I have classmates that either linger their way to get As or back stab other classmates. :\ I hate my class. I don't enjoy going to school. There is no hype in preparing to go to school everyday. I think this results in me skipping classes all day. OOPS.

I think maybe as life goes on and everyone gets older, the world becomes harsher. The cold hard truth about reality gets smacked into your face without warning. Haizzz, I don't want to grow up. :( No matter how I resist, I cannot deny the fact that the world is indeed going into full speed and I really need to catch up and get used to it. All the best to me and to the new world! :) CHEERS!